


Sarcasm At Its Finest

by Dragonsafeguard



Series: Whoops [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Asshole Thranduil, Battle of Five Armies Fix-It, Crack Treated Seriously, Dumb Dwarf Princes, Emotionally Constipated Thorin, F/M, Fili Is A Softie, Gandalf Meddles, Kili Is A Softie, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, Sarcasm, Stubborn Dwarves, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Thorin Has No Sense Of Direction, Thorin Is an Idiot, Thranduil is a diva, Why is the Rum Gone?, idiocy, no beta we die like men, slight crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:53:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23181256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragonsafeguard/pseuds/Dragonsafeguard
Summary: Alex is on her way to a pirate festival when her car goes off the side of a cliff. She is found by two dwarf princes. After convincing Thorin to let her tag along, she does what she does best. Roll with it.
Relationships: Kíli (Tolkien)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Whoops [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742035
Comments: 13
Kudos: 100





	1. One Hell of an Entrance

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! This is my first fic in several years, so it's not perfect. Just my self indulgent story totally being written while being socially distant courtesy of the coronavirus. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is 100% crack that I wrote because quarantine.

Chapter 1

So this is the part where I start the story. In my defense, I’d never planned on being in one in the first place. My plan was to do hair and dance my life away. Life it seemed had other plans for me. Seeing as how this was the grand scheme of the universe or something like that, I had no choice but to comply. To set the stage, my first words in the new land I found myself in were “Son of a bitch.” I promptly passed out in front of two rather close-knit dwarves whose faces were painted with rather humorous confusion. All in all I was straight up not having a good time.

Before all that bullshit happened, I was on my way to a pirate fest in California. Having hailed from the one and only Sin City itself, it was fun to travel to see other ports as one might see them. So here I am, driving in the blank desert between Las Vegas and Los Angeles. This was a long awaited event on my part. Pirate fests and renaissance faires are always so much fun. So I’m cruising down the highway, minding my own damn business when BAM. This bright ass light appears in front of me. Looks painfully similar to headlights of a truck. In retrospect, I’m not entirely sure what it was. Definitely not a truck. So doing what every other panicking human driving a car would do, I swerved. This particular patch of road had one issue. It was right next to a steep cliff. I broke the guardrail with the force of my car and went off the side. If you’ve never been in a rolling car, don’t. Trust me when I say you aren’t missing much. The glass shattered around me and the dust seemed to be suspended in midair spinning with the car. It almost looked like a mirage. I vaguely remember screaming. Didn’t occur to me at the time that it was my own.

After what felt like hours the car finally rolled to a stop. Through the blessings of the gods above I did not pass out. I took a few shaky breaths and looked around me. To start, my car was DONE. There was no saving my baby. Next, there was no way I was getting a door open to get out. I would have to go through one of the windows. Finally, I seemed to be relatively uninjured.

I took several deep, grounding breaths and began to work on crawling out of my car. Let me tell you, it SUCKED. One cut seat belt and busted window later, I was free. I turned to look at the car. ‘I have no idea how I am not dead’ I thought to myself. Because based on the state of my car, I really should have been. The damn thing looked like a wadded-up ball of metal. Approaching my trunk, I set about prying it open to see if any of my belongings had survived. One bag managed to survive. In it was most of my mundane clothes. Me being me, I pack enough underwear as if I’m going to shit myself twice a day every day that I’m gone. So I was safe there. One pair of shorts, three tank tops, one pair of jeans, two pairs of socks, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a small bag of makeup, deodorant, a charger for my phone, said phone, headphones, a small bottle of rum, a diva cup, a pocket knife, and my trusty pair of black steel toe combat boots. Assessing the current supply list, I was fucked. The desert at night is an unforgiving mistress.

It was at this point that I finally stopped to look around. Where there should have been the dirt, sand, and rocks of the desert was grass. Rich, green grass. Only place I’d seen grass that green was up north in Wyoming. Literally everything there was green. There were also trees. Big. Trees. All these would die in the desert, so I definitely wasn’t there anymore. Through some miracle, my phone wasn’t messed up, but I had no signal to try and call for help.

In comes the panic attack. I’m alone. My car is destroyed. I’m in a random forest. I have no signal. I am in no way, shape, or form prepared for a trek through the wild to try and get help. All in all, I’m fucked. That was when I heard footsteps behind me. Trying to make it seem like I hadn’t noticed the steps, I slowly went for my knife. I grabbed it, flipped it open, turned around, and stopped. Behind me were two rather short men. One had long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, a short beard, and a mustache with little beads braided into it. ‘Interesting fashion choice’ was my first thought. The second one had dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and a small bit of stubble. Now when I say short, I mean SHORT. I’m tall for a woman where I come from being 5’10”, so I’m not entirely unused to it. These two couldn’t have been more the 5’ tall. Here is the best part. They’re both dressed like they belong to the faire I was just heading to.

This is when the gears start to turn. Two short ass dudes, with beards, and totally not modern clothes. A strange forest. Mustache beads. I have a hunch as to where I am now. The two in front of me were not too bad on the eyes to be honest. They’re giving me just as strange of a look as I’m giving them. It’s understandable. I doubt my arrival was exactly quiet. Giant rolling balls of metal tend not to be. Plus, I don’t think they’re exactly used to seeing a woman dressed in nothing but sandals, black leggings, and a hoodie. Now we’ve come full circle to where this lovely chapter began.

The blonde is the first to speak. “Are you alright my lady?” The shock finally sets in.

“Son of a bitch.” I promptly passed out.

The first thing I noticed was pain. EVERYTHING hurt. It took a second to remember what happened. Without opening my eyes, I began to take stock of everything. For the most part I was just sore as all hell. Nothing appeared to be broken. Bruising I could handle. It was at that glorious moment that I realized that I was on a horse of some kind. I was also being held on to from behind. Glorious. Exactly what I needed. Upon opening my eyes, I notice the brunette is holding on to me. 

“Ah! The lady is awake.” The brunette announced. This piqued the interest of the other who had previously been riding ahead. He fell back to be right next to us.

“You gave us quite the scare, my lady. Finding you next to those scraps of metal and falling over was quite the first meeting.” he said, chuckling to himself.

“I suppose it was quite the entrance. Thanks for not just leaving me there.” I replied, hints of humor sprinkling my tone.

“Well that would be rather ungentlemanly." the blonde replied with a grin. At this point we stopped and dismounted. I had a sneaking suspicion that the brothers wanted to give me a chance to collect my wits. How polite. Hopping off the pony, I dusted off my legs, and gave a big stretch. My whole body felt like I had been put through a dryer on max speed. Nothing I couldn’t handle, and I was not about to show that to the brothers just yet.

“I suppose this is the part where I introduce myself. My name is Alex. Yours?” 

“Fili.”

“And Kili.”

“At your service.” The last sentence was spoken in unison. Afterwards the two gave a deep bow. ‘Well that looks rehearsed’ I mused to myself, trying to fight giggles. Didn’t want to insult them. Besides, it was absolutely adorable. This helped to solidify my suspicions of where I am. Either I have stumbled upon the biggest coincidence in history or I am in Middle Earth. Noting the color of Kili’s hair, I came to a rather shitty conclusion. This is based off the movie to some degree. I really did not want to have to deal with the big white fuckwit. Meaning I’m going to have to deal with an exceptionally stupid Thorin. Because the macho man dumbass just has to be stupid every time that shithead is involved. Great.

“Well now that we’re a little more acquainted, do either of you happen to know where I may find a certain grey wizard? I have some rather large questions to ask him.” I inquired. If we were at the point in the story where I think we are, the boys should be heading to Hobbiton. I don’t see the rest of the company, nor do I hear them anywhere close by, which eliminates the possibility of them just hunting.

“We do actually. We’re heading toward him now. Should be there in about a day or so.” Piped up the elder brother. My line of thought had been correct. Good. That makes everything so much easier.

“Would you mind terribly if I came with? I don’t exactly have any gear for travelling. I was not planning on falling where I did.”

“Of course! You’ll just have to ride a pony with one of us. I’m happy to share,” the younger replied, while winking at me. Cheeky little shit. Two can play at that game.

“Thank you so much! Fili, would you mind if I rode with you?” Kili’s face fell a bit at my question. Was that a little petty? Perhaps. Did I care? No.

“That sounds agreeable to me Lady Alex,” Fili replied while shooting his brother a shit-eating grin. Cheeky little buggers. I hop on the horse behind the elder prince and we began our ride. I’ve ridden on the back of many a motorcycle in my time, but a pony was a whole different monster. My ass and thighs were screaming at me. However, it wasn’t all bad. I did get to hold on to one stupidly pretty prince. It should be a crime to be as pretty as these two. We continued to travel for several more hours. The brothers would ask me questions about where I came from and I did my best to deflect. I didn’t exactly know what to tell them just yet. I would definitely have to talk to Gandalf first.

We stopped and made camp in a small clearing. The boys got a fire going and Kili set off to hunt for some dinner. When it comes to outdoor stuff like this, I am pretty much useless. So I just sat off to the side and began to take stock of any injuries that may have occurred during my crash. My left leg had some hefty bruising from my dash. Straight across my torso was a decent bruise and scrape from the seat belt. I had cuts on my hands from the glass. My hoodie had protected my arms. All in all, not horrible. My left ankle, however, was a different story. I had at least bruised the bone, if not sprained it. Probably had the side airbag to thank for that. I poked and prodded at it for a bit to see where it was the worst, and to feel for any fractures. Thankfully I found none. During my assessment, Kili had returned from the woods. He and his brother exchanged slightly concerned looks as I worked.

“Lady Alex, are you injured? You appear to have quite a bit of bruises.” Fili asked. I mean, he wasn’t wrong. I was basically one giant bruise at this point. I didn’t trust the two enough to betray that to them just yet. The last thing I needed was for them to think that I’m some damsel in distress.

“I’m fine. Just a few bruises and scrapes. Nothing I haven’t encountered before. Also, you can call me just Alex. I am by no means a lady.” The boys laughed at that. I knew they weren’t going to stop though. Damn impeccable manners. At this point I noticed how exhausted I was. Should have seen that coming. I’d had a rather eventful day. I pulled my bag over to me and used it as a makeshift pillow. Within minutes I was out cold.

When I awoke the next morning, the boys were already awake. I was also covered with a cloak. Not gonna lie, this thing was cozy. It belonged to Kili. I handed it back to him with thanks and walked back over to my belongings. Shortly after we were on our way. I opted to ride with Kili today instead of Fili. Figured I’d be nice. We spent the ride talking about the boys’ home. From the way they spoke about it, the Blue Mountains sounded lovely. Having grown up around mountains myself, it sounded like a dream.

“What of your home, Lady Alex? Where do you hail from?” Fili asked.

“Well, where I come from is pretty different from here. For starters, it doesn’t have all this green. I live in a valley in the desert, so pretty much everything is brown. During the summer, the heat of the day is enough to kill a person rather quickly. The sun almost seems brighter. The nights are perfect. It’s surrounded by mountains. I grew up climbing them and crawling around all over them.” I said. They perked up at the mountains. I figured as much.

“Some of the mountains used to be mines. Almost all of them are closed off now and have been for roughly 80 or so years. Either mined dry or collapsed. Didn’t stop me and my friends from wandering around in them. There was just something about being in cold dark of the mountain. Especially once we snuffed the lights. If you listened closely, you could almost hear them whisper.” I continued. That part really caught the attention of the boys.

“Are you sure there wasn’t anything in that mountain, my lady?” Fili asked, with a hint of concern lacing his tone.

“Don’t know to be honest. There could have been. Wouldn’t surprise me if there was a spirit or two running around in there.” I replied, shrugging. There wasn’t exactly a way I could check now. There certainly wasn’t anything as bad as the monster lurking in one of the mines here. Durin’s Bane. I wasn’t going to clue them in on that though. Not at the moment at least. They paled a bit at the mention of spirits.

“Are spirits not common here?” I asked.

“Not exactly.” Kili responded.

“Huh.” I said.

Shortly after, we stopped for a break. We had entered the Shire but weren’t quite to Hobbiton yet. I hopped off the pony and stretched. I was not accustomed to horses. My thighs were on fire and my ass was numb. I would have to get used to horses if I was going to be here for a while. The realization hit me like a punch to the gut. I don’t know how to get home. An even bigger realization hit me. The two goofy dwarves standing close to where I was were dead men in a little under a year. I didn’t even want to think about anything after that. I started rifling through my bag. Fili and Kili stopped and stared. It occurred to me that they have never seen some of the stuff I was pulling out of my bag, but I didn’t exactly care at the moment. It was then that I found what I was looking for. I had a bottle of black spiced rum with me that was meant for faire. I pulled apart the seal, popped off the cork, and took a large swig. I had a feeling I would need more of this than what I had for the journey ahead. I stuffed all of my things back in my bag and looked up. The boys were still staring.

“Want some?” I asked, holding up the bottle that I hadn’t put away yet.

“What is it?” Kili asked. He had a curious expression on his face. I was clear he wanted to try it but was cautious. I grinned.

“This my fine fellows, is rum. The drink of sailors and pirates. I don’t have the proper glasses for it, so if you wanna try it you’re going to have to drink it just like I did. Just don’t backwash. That’s nasty.” I said. I held the bottle out to Kili. He took it and uncorked it. After exchanging a look with his brother, he took a swig. His face scrunched up. Fili took a swig as well and had the same reaction. He corked the bottle and handed it back to me. I laughed at their reactions.

“Too strong for you?” I asked with a grin.

“What was that? It burned going down!” Kili asked.

“Back home we call this hard liquor. Strong alcohol. This one in particular is made from molasses. I know dwarves have a high tolerance, but I’d wager a bottle of this is still enough to knock you on your ass.” I explained. With my bag now repacked, I stood up.

“Was there a reason you pulled it out? You looked quite stressed before you drank it.” Said Fili.

“That, Master Dwarf, is a story for another day. I need to talk to the wizard first.” I said. This seemed to satisfy him for now. We saddled back up and continued on to the house of one Bilbo Baggins.


	2. A Great First Impression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my whole state just got put on a 30 day lock down. Here's another chapter!

It didn’t take too much longer to reach Bag End. By this point, Dwalin and Balin would already have arrived. The boys knocked, did their introduction, and stomped on in. Fili all but dumped his many weapons on Bilbo, and Kili began to use the hobbit’s furniture to scrape his boots.

“Kili, quit scraping your boots on his stuff. That’s rude.” I said while grabbing some of Fili’s weapons from Bilbo. The poor hobbit looked like he was about to have an aneurysm.

“Here, let me help with that. My name is Alex by the way. I apologize for those two. Thank you for allowing me into your home.” I said with a polite smile. I hoped that by having one person be polite his nerves might have been less frazzled.

“Thank you for the help. Pleasure to meet you Lady Alex. My name is Bilbo Baggins.” Bilbo said. I thought Fili and Kili were short, but Bilbo was even smaller still. Another knock sounded at the door, and I jumped out of the way to avoid the pile of dwarves that just fell into the room. Gandalf followed behind them. In comparison to the short dwarves and hobbit, he was massive. He had at least 7 inches on me. His gaze fell on me and he looked intrigued.

“And who do we have here?” he asked.

“My name is Alex, and you happen to be the wizard I was looking for. Can I speak to you quickly? You’ll be very interested in what I have to say.” I told him. We stepped outside, and I filled him in on everything that had happened. His face remained unchanged for some time. It was clear that he had never stumbled upon something quite like me.

“Another point I need to stress. I have to come along with this company. Where I come from, this story has already been written. I know how it ends. I can be of service to these dwarves.” I said. At that, Gandalf’s expression changed. His eyebrows were almost touching his hat.

“I think that would be wise. Let us head inside. We can speak more of this once everyone has arrived.” The wizard replied. We went back inside just in time for the feast to have been set. Fili and Kili waved excitedly at me to sit by them. They had even grabbed me an ale. The feast began. The dwarves were having a grand time. They really were a happy bunch. Some of the older dwarves were eyeing me with distrust. Dwalin in particular.

“An’ who is this lass?” Dwalin called out.

“This is Lady Alex. We found her on the road, and she needed to talk to Gandalf.” Kili replied before I could get a word out.

“The ‘Lady’ can speak for herself. My name is Alex. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I replied. Dwalin huffed and went back to his food. This conversation wasn’t over. My nerves were on fire. I have trouble dealing with crowds in the first place, let alone one out of a book. I grabbed my ale and began to chug. Some liquid courage was just what the doctor ordered. Once I finished, I let out a loud belch. I stood up to grab more ale, and noticed the dwarves looking at me.

“What?” I asked while pouring myself another cup. All of them burst out laughing. I sat back down, and Fili turned to me.

“Let’s see if you can do that again, Lady Alex.” He said. The whole table started to chug their cups. I joined in with vigor. I finished at about the same time as the rest of the dwarves and let out another mighty belch. All of the table began to laugh again at the symphony of burps that had occurred.

“I told you I’m not a lady.” I told the princes with a smile. We all laughed together. As I noticed everyone begin to stand and leave the table, I got out of the way. I knew what chaos was coming next. Poor Bilbo. Dishes began to fly, and he was running all over the place. I simply stayed out of the way and watched with amusement. Once the dishes stopped flying, the final knock came from the door. Things were about to get fun. I knew there was no way in hell he was going to let me come along without a fight. I didn’t exactly look tough, nor was I proficient with any type of weapon aside from maybe a staff, and that was pushing it. I stayed off to the side, mostly out of sight for the time being.

“Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn’t have found it at all if not for that mark on the door.” Thorin said as he walked through the door. Yet again, I knew what was coming next. Thorin was about to insult the hobbit in his own home. Not something I’m fond of.

“He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.” Thorin said with distaste.

“Pretty rude to insult a hobbit in his home. Especially one that just fed your kin.” I said, stepping into the light. Thorin regarded me about the same way as Dwalin did. Before he could toss some remark at me, I spoke again.

“My name is Alex Brown, and I have information about your quest that you are going to need to reclaim your home.” I said to the dwarf. I then walked away and took a seat at the table where I had been previously. The company looked at me wide eyed. I wasn’t looking at Thorin, but I didn’t need to. I knew what his face looked like. Livid.

Gandalf ushered everyone to the table. Thorin was still glaring at me.

“Who are you to speak to me as you did, woman?” He said, venom dripping from his tone.

“The one who knows how your quest ends.” I replied, slightly bristling at the woman comment. Don’t get me wrong. I was 100% terrified. Thorin was intimidating as hell. I just happened to be a good actress with booze in her system. Thorin’s eyes widened at that comment.

“You plan on going to Erebor, entering the mountain, retrieving the Arkenstone, and reclaiming your home. In the land I come from, this quest has been written already. I’ve seen it.” I said with an even tone.

“And why should I trust the word of some human woman? What do you have to gain from this?” Thorin spat.

“You don’t have a reason to trust me. I don’t have any ulterior motives if that is what you’re concerned about.” I replied. His expression remained the same. Looks like I’m going to have to show him. I looked to the wizard.

“Hey Gandalf, mind giving him that key Thrain gave you?” I asked. Gandalf looked startled. I don’t blame him. He produced the key and gave it to Thorin confirming my statement.

“Believe me yet?” I asked the king. The entire group was giving me the same look. Astonishment.

“Are ye a seer?” called out one of the dwarves.

“Something like that. You’re going to want me there Thorin.” I said, looking Thorin dead in the eyes. I was terrified, and I prayed that it was not visible. Gandalf stepped in at that moment.

“It would be wise to heed her words, Master Dwarf. It seems the Valar have placed her here to guide your company. I would not turn away from such a gift.” Gandalf said, giving the dwarf king a meaningful look. He deliberated for a moment before turning to Balin.

“Draft her a contract.” He looked back to me.

“If you fall behind, we will leave you behind.” Thorin said.

“Sounds good.” I replied. A layer of tension seemed to lift from the room. I was definitely going to have my work cut out for me. The older dwarves certainly did not trust me, which I expected. I had to get into their good graces. Three lives depended on it.

During my thoughts, Bilbo had begun to read his contract. Bofur, of course, was scaring the crap out of him. I managed to catch him before he hit the ground. Shooting Bofur a dirty look, I laid the hobbit down gently. That did my bruised ankle no favors. Suppressing a limp, I grabbed my cup and went for wine instead of ale. I needed some air.

I sat on the bench outside of the hobbit hole. Somehow, I had actually managed to get Thorin to let me come. I don’t think he was used to a female not backing down, which made it much harder. But I had managed. Sipping my wine, I looked to the sky. Even the stars were different here. Tears started to gather. Everyone probably thought I was dead. Since my car was in a scrap pile about a day away, they wouldn’t find it. I would be assumed missing. My brother is going to lose his mind. So is my sister. I heard shuffling behind me and quickly dried my eyes. I did not need any of these guys seeing me cry.

Turns out the shuffling I heard was Kili. He plopped down on to the bench next to me. We didn’t speak for several minutes.

“Do you really know how this quest ends?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me or Fili? We could have helped with Uncle.” He asked.

“I needed to be sure first. That’s why I needed to talk to Gandalf. I don’t think there would have been anything you two could have done to help. I appreciate the thought though.” I said with a smile. We settled back into a comfortable silence. I was seriously home sick. Without even realizing it, I began to sing a song from home.

_Maybe I'm foolish_ _  
Maybe I'm blind  
Thinking I can see through this  
And see what's behind_

Kili looked over to me. As he heard the lyrics, his expression softened. There was definite pain in my voice.

_  
Got no way to prove it  
So maybe I'm blind  
But I'm only human after all  
I'm only human after all  
Don't put your blame on me  
Don't put your blame on me_

I finished my wine and went back inside, leaving the dwarf prince to interpret the lyrics however he saw fit. I was definitely beginning to feel the effects of all the alcohol. The dwarves were gathering in by the fireplace now. Many had pipes out. Thorin began to sing.

_Far over the misty mountains cold  
To dungeons deep and caverns old  
We must away ere break of day  
To find our long-forgotten gold_

_The pines were roaring on the height  
The winds were moaning in the night  
The fire was red, it flaming spread  
The trees like torches blazed with light_

I felt the raw pain in the lament. These dwarves had no home. One giant lizard decided to take it from them. No one deserves that. My resolve to help the batch was strengthened. The princes caught my eye. They were both so young. Taking into consideration the difference in lifespans, we were about the same age. They didn’t deserve the fate waiting for them. Neither did Thorin for that matter. Yeah, he was a stubborn asshole, but he was also doing the best he could by his people. I could respect that.

The dwarves started to disperse at this point. Everyone was laying down to sleep. Deciding this was a good idea, I grabbed my bag. I’d been in the same clothes for two days. Time to change. Having no other pants but jeans, I opted to stay in my leggings. I changed my undergarments and put a tank top on under my hoodie. Picking a spot relatively close to the fireplace, I curled up. I was definitely going to have to fix my supply issue in the morning. I had nothing for camping. Thankfully, sleep claimed me quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs: Human - Rag'n'Bone Man


	3. It Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to me! Continuing the quarantine thing, I've plenty of time to write.

I awoke in the morning to the sound of rustling boots. Without opening my eyes, I assessed my situation. It took me a second to remember where I was. Groggily I opened my eyes and did a big stretch on the floor. I imagine I looked something like a cat. Perks of not having much of anything with me, I was already set to leave. I stood up and ventured to the kitchen hoping to scrounge up something resembling breakfast. The kitchen was awash with activity. Everyone was flitting back and forth grabbing breakfast, cleaning up, and so forth. I snagged a piece of bread and backed out of the kitchen. Me and breakfast never got along, so something small like this was perfect.

Opting to stay out of the way of all of the dwarves, I went outside and sat on the same bench I was on last night. Didn’t take long for some of the company to start rustling out.

“Where is that blasted woman at?” I heard one of the dwarves mutter while coming out to ready a pony. My absence had been noticed. I stood up and made my presence known. Turns out the dwarf was none other than Thorin.

“Waiting on all of you.” I replied. He regarded me with a look of distaste matching the one he sported last night.

“We don’t have enough ponies. You’ll have to share until we reach Bree.” Thorin said.

“Fine by me.” I replied. He walked off to ready his pony. The princes walked out of the house at this point.

“Oi! Kili! There aren’t enough ponies. Mind sharing again?” I called out. He looked a bit startled, as if he forgot I was there. That surprise was quickly replaced with a cheeky grin.

“Why certainly my lady.” He replied. I scowled.

“Get that smug look off your face. It ain’t anything special. “His grin only got bigger at that. The ponies were all saddled up, and we were off. The ride was mostly uneventful. This seemed like a good time to make a bit of cash. I was currently flat broke and would need supplies soon. This was another opportunity to flex my ‘I know what is coming’ skills.

“Hey Kili. Wanna make a bit of cash?” I asked.

“What did you have in mind?” He replied.

“We’re gonna bet on the hobbit. In exchange for the information, we split the profit.”

“Sounds fair.”

“Make the wager that he’s going to run up here with a signed contract. He’s going to get put on a pony and start sneezing.” I told him quietly. Didn’t want anyone else hearing in and make the bet first. He looked skeptical at first but called out the bet. Fili rode up next to him.

“You’re making a losing bet brother. The hobbit is not coming.” Fili said. Many of the other dwarves nodded in agreement at this.

“We shall see.” I said with a sly grin. Best time to start teaching these stubborn shits to listen to me. Not ten minutes later, Bilbo comes running up with a signed contract. Balin welcomed him to the company. The grumbles began. He got put on a horse, started sneezing, and called for the whole party to stop and go back for his handkerchief. I had the biggest grin on my face. Kili started laughing. Fili had a look of pure disbelief etched on his face. I started laughing at that one.

“Word of advice Master Dwarf. Never bet against me.” I said to Fili as Kili caught the bag with our winnings. Kili and I divided up the profit. Hopefully now I would have enough money to get decent supplies. At least something besides the leggings and hoodie I was currently sporting.

We arrived into town a bit later. I was grateful for the break. My poor thighs were not doing well. While another pony was being purchased, I went over to one of the merchants. I managed to snag a bedroll, a blanket, a cloak, and a change of clothes. I got a blue tunic and brown leggings for travel. They should hold up better than what I was wearing. My cloak was a lovely shade of purple. As I was walking back to the company, I noticed something amiss. Oin was attempting to grab some supplies, and the human merchant was being less than hospitable. I walked up to the two.

“Is there a problem sir? I asked the merchant. He started to size me up.

“Just these dwarves trying to make a mess of my shop!” He replied.

“See, that’s not what it looked like to me. It looked like you were trying to charge an unreasonable price for a product that if anyone else attempted to purchase would be much lower. Not exactly a fair practice there my friend.” I said. He began to splutter out words, turning red in the face.

“Might be a good idea to charge him fairly.” I said again and walked off, leaving no room for discussion. Oin got the product with no further issue. I walked back over to the group and found my pony waiting for me. She was the most beautiful black color and looked to be so calm. Probably a good thing since I don’t know jack shit about riding horses.

“Well aren’t you beautiful, my lovely. I think I’m gonna name you Leviathan.” I cooed. Kili overheard my coos and looked rather interested.

“What is a leviathan?” He asked.

“A leviathan is a massive serpent that lives in the deepest parts of the ocean. The parts so dark that no light can reach it.” I said with a smile, continuing to pet the adorable pony. Kili looked positively horrified.

“That sounds terrifying!” He said.

“It is.” I replied as I got on the pony. My nonchalant answer did nothing to dispel the look of horror on the young dwarf’s face. I settled in on my pony as the company got ready to leave.

There is only so long one can stare at the scenery before becoming utterly bored no matter how alien it may be. I found myself drifting into one of my usual habits while bored. Singing. Being toward the back of the company it was easy to just exist quietly. Prior to my graceful landing in Middle Earth, I had spent entirely too much time watching The Witcher. So what better to do than sing a song about it.

_When a humble bard_ _  
Graced a ride along  
With Geralt of Rivia  
Along came this song_

_When the White Wolf fought  
A silver tongued devil  
His army of elves  
At his hooves did they revel_

_They came after me  
With masterful deceit  
Broke down my lute  
And they kicked in my teeth_

By now several of the dwarves were listening while pretending they weren’t to the song. Bilbo and the princes didn’t try to hide their interest which spurned me on to sing the rest.

_While the devil's horns  
Minced our tender meat  
And so cried the Witcher  
He can't be bleat_

_Toss a coin to your Witcher  
Oh, valley of plenty  
Oh, valley of plenty, oh  
Toss a coin to your Witcher  
Oh, valley of plenty_

_At the edge of the world  
Fight the mighty horde  
That bashes and breaks you  
And bring you the morn, oh_

_He thrust every elf  
Far back on the shelf  
High up on the mountain  
From whence it came_

_He wiped out your pest  
Got kicked in his chest  
He's a friend of humanity  
So give him the rest_

_That's my epic tale  
Our champion prevailed  
Defeated the villain  
Now pour him some ale_

_Toss a coin to your Witcher  
Oh, valley of plenty  
Oh, valley of plenty, oh  
Toss a coin to your Witcher  
A friend of humanity_

I finished on a high note and smiled to myself. Namely I was impressed that I could remember the entire song. I spent enough time listening to it on repeat that I really shouldn’t be surprised.

“What is a witcher?” Bilbo inquired. I grinned.

“My dear hobbit I’m glad you asked.” I replied. I proceeded to tell the tales of witchers, kingdoms, mages, elves, and monsters. None of the dwarves were pretending to not listen anymore. Even Thorin was paying attention to the tales I wove. It certainly made the trip much more enjoyable. This continued right up until we made camp. Once everything was settled and dinner was made, the younger of the princes looked at me over the fire.

“Tell us another story Lady Alex!” said Kili. Fili nodded with him. Hiding my grumble about the whole lady thing, I deliberated if I should, and if so what one to tell. I settled on one of my old favorites.

“Fine. I’ll tell you another story, but only if you quit with the lady shit.” I replied. Kili nodded eagerly.

“This is a tale of the unimaginable. Where everything is nonsense. Nothing is what it is, because everything is what it isn’t. It all begins with a girl named Alice.” I began. If there was any story that would keep them entertained for the evening, it would be that one. As I told the story, I looked at the parallels between it and my own. Here I was, a girl having fallen down into a strange new world where I don’t quite fit. I reflect on my story versus hers. I have the advantage of knowing EXACTLY why I’m here though. It is handy.

As the night wore on, it got much colder. Back in town I had purchased some simple camping supplies, so I had a bedroll and blanket and such. It was not enough to keep the chill out unfortunately. So shiver I did. Profusely. As I was just beginning to wallow in self-pity, something flopped on the ground beside me. Turned out to be a certain brown eyed dwarf prince. Another flop happened on my other side. It was the other prince. Well shit. I’ve got two hot pieces of dwarf on either side of me. Either I am one hell of a lucky bitch, or I have the worst luck ever. The two settled in on either side of me.

“Anything I can help you two with?” I said between shivers.

“No, but there may be something we can help you with.” Fili said.

“Couldn’t sleep with all your shivering.” Kili added in.

“Had to come do something about it. Isn’t that right, brother?”

“It is brother.”

The two proceeded to curl up around me. I was laying on Kili’s chest while also being the little spoon to Fili. Hot damn were these two warm. It did not take long for me to knock the fuck out.

Waking up in the arms of two pretty dwarves was definitely not the worst. We had all shifted during the night and now rather than me curled up on Kili’s chest, he was curled up on mine. I was using Fili’s arm as a pillow and he had one hand curled around my waist. I decided to save the two some embarrassment and wiggled out from under them. The rest of the camp was beginning to stir.

The coming days were much the same. At one point we settled near a burnt-out farmhouse. A very familiar looking farmhouse. Shit. This was troll night. On one hand, I could warn the dwarves and avoid the trolls all together. However, some much needed weapons are in the cave near them. So for the sake of covering my own ass, I was going to attempt to warn Thorin. I had zero faith that he would actually listen to me, so that gave me time to plot.

I approached Gandalf and Thorin. The two appeared to be having a rather heated discussion. Perfect.

“But I’ve told you already. I will not go near that place.” Thorin said.

“Why not? The elves could help us. We could get food, rest, advice.” Gandalf replied. This seemed as good a moment as any to chime in.

“Pardon me, but I have some information that you both need to hear.” I said. Both turned to me with expectant looks. Thorin’s just happened to look a bit grumpier.

“There are trolls nearby. We need items from their hoard.” I said. Thorin scoffed at the news.

“There have been no trolls down here for over an age.” He said with a sneer. At this I shrugged.

“Suit yourself. I tried to warn you.” I replied with a dismissive wave. Not caring to hear the rest or see the grumpy face of the king, I walked toward the ponies. If the trolls were coming tonight, I wanted to know when. So, I kept with the ponies, bringing my bottle of rum with me. I was going to need some strong shit to give me liquid courage. The thought of trolls isn’t exactly a nice one. The two young dwarves joined me shortly after.

“What brings you over here Lady Alex?” the younger of the two asked.

“Oh, you know. Throwing back some rum. Tried to impart some of my otherworldly wisdom on your uncle. Naturally he didn’t listen.” I said, taking one more swig. Fili attempted to snag the bottle, but I held it out of his reach.

“Oh no. None of the big girl stuff for you two tonight. You’re going to need all your wits and brain cells tonight.” I said while putting the rum back in my bag.

“Why do you say that?” Kili asked. I threw an arm over his shoulder.

“Well Kili. It was part of that wisdom I tried to give your uncle. Do me a favor and count the ponies, yeah?”

Kili came back looking positively pale. Knew it. Damn those things were quick.

“Short a few aren’t we?” He nodded.

“Should probably go get the burglar.” I said with a grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Toss a Coin to Your Witcher


	4. Of Elves and Angry Dwarves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos. They feed meeee. Anyway, if you haven't guessed, our dear Alex is a bit of a feral idiot. Thanks for reading, and I hope this provides some entertainment during the isolation.

I followed the dwarves and hobbit up to a fallen tree at the edge of a clearing. I had heard tales of how bad trolls smell. But hot DAMN. That smell could peel paint. I was crouched next to Kili while we watched the trolls.

“Damn these things are nasty.” I whispered. Kili chuckled.

“What is it?” Bilbo asked.

“Trolls.” Replied Kili.

“He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them, we have to do something!” Bilbo whispered with a scared expression. I didn’t blame him. One of us shifted, and suddenly a branch broke underneath us with a loud crack. Bilbo and Fili dropped to the ground while Kili spun me out of the way against his chest.

“Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small. They’ll never see you!” Kili told Bilbo. I kinda felt bad for the guy, but this was one of his big learning moments. Needed a few of these to see just how badass he is. Fili and Kili ushered Bilbo along and retreated themselves, Kili pulling me with him. We continued to watch the exchange.

“Fili go get the company. Kili and I will keep an eye on the hobbit.” I said. He simply nodded and left. Good. Kili and I crept closer to the tree line again to watch the events before us.

“Did that troll just… blow his nose into their drink? Aaaaaaaand they’re drinking it. That’s nasty.”  
I said feeling rather grossed out. I knew this scene was nasty, but that was vile. The trolls grabbed Bilbo, and Kili made to run forward. I put my arm in front of him.

“Not yet.” I said, giving him a pointed look. He looked at me, looked back at the hobbit, and shoved past me. Wonderful.

The rest of the dwarves came rushing into the clearing. I stayed in the shadows, knowing that stealth for the time being would be best. It was then that I came up with an idea. A horrible, awful idea. Smiling like the Grinch, I readied myself for the sprint of my life.

All of the dwarves were half naked in sacks by this point. Perfect. I crept up behind the pile of dwarves, so I was close enough for Thorin to hear me.

“Told you so. Now watch and learn.” I whispered. His eyebrows shot straight up. This was going to be fun. Was there a chance that this was going to go horribly wrong and I would be mangled? Oh yeah. Did I care? Not one bit.

I stood and readied myself for a run. Staying just out of the tree line, I began to run and chant.

“I WANNA BE AN AIRBORNE RANGER! I WANNA LIVE A LIFE OF DANGER!” The trolls and the dwarves stopped and stared.

“You ‘ear that Bert? There’s more little things runnin’ around!” one troll called out. I knew I could not stop, or else they would catch me. I continued to run laps around the trees. If I went into the clearing I was as good as fucked. Time to switch up my song.

_As I walk through the shadow of the valley of death_

_I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothing left_

The trolls started to lumber toward the trees. Looks like I’m out of options. I run into the clearing. If there was one thing I was, it was fast and very hard to catch. I spin out of the reach of the grasp of the trolls and around their legs.

_Coz I been laughin and blastin so long_

_That even my mama thinks my mind is gone._

_But I ain’t never crossed a man that didn’t deserve it_

_Me be treated like a punk, you know that’s unheard of_

I continued to evade the trolls, but I was getting tired. Where the hell was the wizard?

_You better watch how you're talkin', and where you're walkin'_ _  
Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk  
I really hate to trip but I gotta, loc  
As I grow I see myself in the pistol smoke, fool  
I'm the kinda G the little homies wanna be like  
On my knees in the night, sayin' prayers in the streetlight_

My luck ran out. I wasn’t paying attention and ended up tripping on the dwarf pile, landing face first on Kili.

“Alex? Are you ok?” he asked, concern and fear clear in his eyes. I only had enough time to give him a small smile before I was grabbed by a troll. I can hear Kili and the others shouting behind me at the trolls to put me down. The grip around my torso was like a vice. I was rapidly approaching having a broken ribcage. The troll brought me right up to its face. If I thought they smelled bad before, I got a whole new lesson in stank.

“Look what we got ‘ere! A woman!” the troll said. I looked the troll dead in the eye as I spoke.

“And what do we say to the god of death? Not today!” I cried as I plunged the knife I had hiding into the troll’s hand. It screamed in pain and all but threw me at the ground. I landed on my back in the dirt a short distance away from the pile of dwarves. Many of them were shouting my name. I raised two fists straight in the air.

“I’m good!” I shouted with a strained voice. As soon as I said that, the wizard appeared.

“The dawn will take you all!”

Finally. I stood up and dusted myself off. Time to check for injury. I seemed to have escaped relatively unharmed. There was a bit of bruising around my ribs, but nothing major. The landing wasn’t anything worse than ones I’d done in mosh pits. Knowing what was coming next, I needed to find a weapon. One bigger than my trusty pocketknife. The question was if I could find something that I could actually use. Thinking on all of the weird crap I’ve done over the years; a staff would probably be my best bet. I was lost in thought enough to not see the two angry dwarves stomping toward me. I snapped out of it when one grabbed my arm.

“What the hell were you doing? You could’ve gotten yourself killed!” Thorin essentially screamed at me while grappling my arm. I looked at my arm, looked at him, and looked at my arm again.

“Keeping you alive since you decided to not listen to my warning. Now let go.” I said while trying to pull my arm from his grasp. At the rate he was going, I’d have bruising on my arm. Turning to the second dwarf, I was surprised to see Kili looking equally as pissed. Great.

“What the hell was that Alex? Those trolls could have killed you!” Kili shouted. Not gonna lie, I was getting really fed up with this dudes yelling in my face thing.

“As I just said. I was keeping you all alive since someone ignored my warning.” I finally managed to pull my arm from Thorin’s grasp. I didn’t give them time to reply before walking off to find the cave. Wouldn’t do well to start yelling myself, so I just walked away. Plus, I wanted to see if I could find anything in the cave that I could use.

The cave itself smelled worse than the trolls did. I walked in and just about barfed. After a minute of searching, I found a decent sized staff. Looked to be just a few inches taller than me. Perfect. I left the cave and stood off to the side and tested the weight of the staff. I ran through a few of the exercises I used to do with one of these for dance and found the staff to be good and workable. As I stopped twirling the staff, Kili approached me, looking rather sullen.

“Done yelling at me?” I asked.

“I wanted to apologize. It wasn’t fair for me to yell at you like that when you were helping us.” Kili said.

“Apology accepted my friend. No worries.” I walked over and threw an arm over his shoulder. Didn’t want the poor guy to keep sulking. Radagast chose this moment to come bursting through the trees. Kili threw me behind him again. I leaned over to him.

“Keep that bow handy.” I whispered. He looked over to me in confusion. A snarl rang out from above us, and a warg burst through the trees. Naturally coming right at me. Thorin was able to take it out with a swing of his sword.

“Warg scouts! Which means that an orc pack is not far behind.” Thorin said.

“Orc pack?” asked Bilbo.

“Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?” Gandalf questioned.

“No one!” replied Thorin.

“Who did you tell?”

“No one, I swear! What in Durin’s name is going on?” Thorin asked. Knowing what was coming next, I readied myself for yet another sprint. I was TIRED. Pretty sure the only thing keeping me going is pure adrenaline. Soon enough, we’re running.

Radagast was doing a decent job at keeping the orcs away from us, but it wasn’t going to last forever. The company hid under a rock while an orc with a warg stood on top. Thorin looked to Kili, who drew an arrow. Unfortunately, the shot wasn’t fatal. Dwalin and Bifur killed the orc, but the noise echoed throughout the entire valley. Soon enough the rest of the orcs were hot on our heels.

“SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!” I repeated to myself as I ran. Kili grabbed my hand and pulled me along as I started to slow. Adrenaline was definitely the only thing keeping me going at this point. We stopped after seeing that we were surrounded. Kili began to shoot at the orcs.

“Where’s Gandalf?” one dwarf cried.

“He’s abandoned us!” Dwalin shouted.

“Hold your ground!” Thorin shouted, sword at the ready. I stood closer to Kili, prepped to run the moment Gandalf appeared.

“This way, you fools!” Gandalf shouted, appearing from behind a rock. The dwarves wasted no time running to him. I stayed with Kili, ready to try and fend off anything that may get too close.

“Kili! Alex!” We both turned and ran toward Thorin. We slid down the rock immediately after Fili. Thorin followed us. We all huddled together as we heard a horn sound in the distance. The sound of a fight was happening right above us, and an orc fell down the rock basically right on top of me. Kili pulled me out of the way as the body of the orc settled to a stop. Thorin pulled the arrow out of its neck.

“Elves” he spat.

“I cannot see where the pathway leads! Do we follow it or not?” called out Dwalin.

“Follow it of course!” replied Bofur. We all followed after him. Despite knowing that all of this was going to happen, I was still rather shell shocked. Kili took my hand and pulled me along having noticed my current state.

“Are you alright Alex?” He asked. I definitely could not afford to lose it here, and certainly not in front of Thorin. I steeled my wits.

“I’m fine. Let’s keep moving.”

As we walked, I could feel the energy pulsing through the air. It helped to soothe my frazzled nerves. It wouldn’t last, but I’ll take what I can get. Once Rivendell came into view, I was amazed. It was a thousand times more beautiful than any adaptation ever gave it credit for. We approached the gate and a dark-haired elf came down to greet us.

“Mithrandir.” He called out.

“Ah! Lindir!” He replied. They had a short conversation, and after a horn sounded behind us.

“Close ranks!” Thorin ordered. Yet again I was pulled into the center of the circle of dwarves. The elves circled us on their horses, led by none other than Lord Elrond himself.

“Gandalf!” Elrond said with a cheerful smile on his face.

“Lord Elrond!” Gandalf replied. They exchanged some pleasantries, before switching to common.

“Strange for orcs to come so close to our borders. Seems like something or someone is drawing them near.” Said Elrond. He clearly already knew what was going on.

“Ah, well that may have been us.” Gandalf replied. Thorin stepped forward and Elrond turned to him.

“Welcome Thorin, son of Thrain.”

“I do not believe we have met.”

“You have your grandfather’s bearing. I knew Thror when he ruled under the mountain.”

“Funny, he made no mention of you.” Thorin replied. Because naturally, he had to be rude. Elrond spoke again, but not in common. The dwarves bristled at that.

“What is he sayin’? Does he offer us insult?” said Gloin, raising his axe. The other dwarves began to rally.

“No, Master Gloin, he is offering you food.” Gandalf replied. I chuckled a bit as the dwarves conferred with each other. I stepped out of the group to follow Gandalf.

“Dunno about you lot, but I’m starving.” I said, following Elrond. The company followed behind me.

Dinner was an interesting affair. The dwarves were rather unsatisfied at the lack of meat. Me, on the other hand, I was perfectly fine. I love me some veggies. Plus, there was eye candy EVERYWHERE. Elves are almost painfully beautiful. So, look I did. Soon enough, a food fight began. I was already wearing thin and getting hit in the face with food was not something I could handle without exploding at the current moment. So, I stood up and left. I was shown to a room and left alone. I went into the bathroom attached to the room and drew some water.

After peeling off my clothes I stepped into the water. It was just the right temperature. I sunk in and let all my muscles relax. I don’t know how long I sat in the tub, but the water was growing cold by the time I crawled out. Using a towel I found nearby, I dried off and changed into the shorts and a tank top I had in my bag. The entire weight of the last two days settled on me all at once. I began to cry. Vaguely I heard someone calling my name. I looked up and saw Kili standing in the doorway. As soon as I saw him, everything hit harder. I started to have a panic attack. He rushed over to me and wrapped me in a hug, running his fingers through my hair to try and help calm me down. After what seemed like hours to me, my breathing finally went back to normal. I made no effort to leave Kili’s embrace.

“Thanks, Kili.” I said.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Not really? Things like this don’t happen where I come from. Yeah, I knew it was coming, but that doesn’t make it any less scary when it happens.” I said. I felt him stiffen up. Looking up at his face, I saw him looking anywhere but at me, with a blush on his face.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Your clothes.” He replied. Ah, yeah. Modesty.

“Oh. Yeah. This isn’t uncommon to wear where I’m from. Plus, I was about to go to sleep.” I replied with a giggle. He made no motion to let go of me, so I made no effort to either.

“Is that a dragon on your leg?” He asked. I had forgotten that these guys had only ever seen me in full pants and sleeves. All of my tattoos were covered. Shit.

“It is. Does that bother you?” I asked.

“No.” He replied. He asked about all of my other ones, and I told him the stories behind all of them. I wasn’t long after that I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Gangsta's Paradise - Coolio


	5. All Practice and No Drinks Makes Alex A Dull Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been on a bit of a roll with the chapters lately, and I wanted to post another one for the hell of it. This has been my little quarantine escape. Again, the kudos feeeeeed meeeee.

I awoke to bright sun streaming in through a window. I was in a bed, which is not where I remember falling asleep last night. Kili must have put me up here after I passed out. In my half-awake stupor, it didn’t even occur to me that my shorts may be an issue. I dug my hoodie out of my bag and put it on. My shoulder length hair was screaming bed head, but I didn’t care at the moment. I was definitely still in morning grumpy mode, and probably would be until I found some food. Grabbing my staff, I went in search of the company. I found them in a courtyard, gathered around a fire as if they were still in the wild. Fucking weirdos. I walked up and plopped myself down in front of the fire and placed my staff on the ground in front of me. Bombur was cooking some sausages for breakfast.

“Good morning Alex! You look in high spirits this morning.” Bofur chuckled. I simply grunted in response and flipped him off. I wasn’t awake enough for conversation. He gave a hearty laugh. Bombur handed me some sausage and I ate in silence. The others were starting to wake up. Fili and Kili came and sat on either side of me.

“Good morning Alex! How are you this morning?” Fili asked. Again, I only grunted in response. Still wasn’t awake. The brothers got some breakfast and we sat in companionable silence.

“Thanks for last night Kili.” I said, looking to the dark-haired prince. He smiled.

“You’re welcome.”

“What happened last night?” Fili asked. Before Kili could stumble over his words or anything like that I spoke.

“Events of the last two days kinda got to me. Kili helped calm me down.” I said. Fili looked down and turned a bit red in the face.

“Alex, where are your pants?” He asked.

“On my ass. They’re called shorts. Don’t like it, don’t look.” I replied. It was too early for me to be dealing with any shit. So, I got up and left, returning to my room. I’d managed to keep my belongings with me through this whole ordeal. I had spent the last several weeks in the wild, without a bath, surrounded by stinky men. Today was a day to dress cute, even if I was only going to hunt for a quiet space to practice with my staff.

The elves had been kind enough to provide me with some clothes while my other ones were getting cleaned. They were a simple tunic and trousers. The pants were black, and the shirt was a dark grey. Exactly how I like it. The material was soft and lightweight. They were formfitting enough so they wouldn’t get in the way of my practice. I grabbed my staff and began to wander the halls looking for a way out. It wouldn’t be correct to say I was avoiding the company, but I wasn’t exactly seeking them out either. I needed some time to just be me.

I found a small spot in one of the gardens. It wasn’t super noticeable and rather quiet. I placed my staff down, took off my shoes, and began to run through some yoga poses in the grass to stretch my muscles. For some reason, stretching just always seems to work better when I don’t have shoes. Probably has something to do with all the years I performed without them. I wasn’t long into my stretch that I began to get a bit warm. After a quick look around, I took off my tunic leaving me in just a sports bra. I rolled up the legs of my pants into capris. Much better. I continued my yoga practice for the better part of an hour. I then switched to basic dance warmups. If I’m going to be using the staff, can’t hurt to work on those too. It was after my third set of center split leaps that I noticed I was being watched. I landed with my back facing my surprise audience. I turned and about half of the company was standing there staring.

“Can I help you?” I ask, putting one hand on my hip. I was still getting a bunch of deer in the headlights expressions. Fuck it. I started back up my practice by doing some aerial walk overs. My first one I needed to throw a hand down to avoid falling. It had been a minute. After that I was solid. Once I felt like my dance had been worked on enough, I picked up my staff. I began to spin it in my hands to get a better feel for the weight. It was exactly what I needed it to be. I began to run through my old exercises. It felt like I was saying hello to an old friend. Dance had been my life for so long that it felt amazing to be able to do it again, even if for a completely different purpose. Because what is a fight if not a dance?

During my practice I kept my back to my audience. I didn’t feel like seeing their stares, be it good or bad. I turned around once I was done. The only dwarves left were Fili and Kili. They both had astounded expressions.

“That was amazing Alex!” Kili called out.

“You never told us you could do something like that!” said Fili.

“You never asked.” I replied.

“Is it common where you come from to train in such little clothes?” Kili asked. Fili elbowed him harshly in the side. I giggled.

“Actually, usually I’m in much shorter pants. I try to not have any clothing get in my way.” I replied. Not even bothering to put back on my tunic, I grabbed it, my shoes, and my staff. I began to walk back to my room. The boys followed with more questions.

“Do all women where you come from do that?” Kili asked.

“Not all. Even less with the staff.”

“How did you learn all of those moves?” Fili chimed in.

“With lots of trial and error. Plus, a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to pop my fingers back in place or had bruised ribs.” By this point we had reached my room.

“Well boys, unless you plan on sticking around while I bathe, I’ll see you at dinner.” They both turned tomato red at this. I laughed as I closed the door.

Keeping with the theme of feeling cute, I pulled out the small bag of makeup from my backpack. Inside, I had black pencil and liquid eyeliner, dark red liquid lipstick, mascara, an eyebrow pencil, a small eyeshadow palate with colors for a gunmetal smokey eye, highlight, and powder. After tossing a look together with all of that, I got dressed. I wore pretty much the same outfit that I did earlier, just with a dark blue shirt instead. Since I knew where I was going tonight, I opted out of shoes. I also grabbed my bottle of rum to take with me. When I arrived, the company had already put together a fire. I’d snagged some bottles of elvish wine on the way over. Bofur had just tossed a sausage at Bombur, who promptly broke the furniture he was sitting on. I couldn’t help it. I busted up laughing.

“I say lads, if I didn’t know better, I’d say we had a pretty lass among us!” Bofur said with a laugh.

“Alex, you look wonderful!” said Kili. Score one for Alex. Smoking hot prince likes my look. I sat down at the fire and pulled out one of the bottles of wine. Uncorking it, I took a big swig.

“Thanks boys. It’s not every day a girl gets dressed up. Especially surrounded by you lot.” I called out with a laugh. The night was proving to be quite the fun one once I finished the first bottle of wine. Time for a sip of the big boy juice. Pulling out my rum, I took a swig. Fili and Kili noticed this, so I offered them the bottle.

“Don’t drink it all.”

The other dwarves grew curious, so the bottle got passed around the fire. Seemed fitting. Once the goblin cave debacle happened, I wouldn’t have it anymore. May as well spend it on a night drinking with friends. The collection of scrunched up faces had me falling over laughing. The wine was definitely getting to me.

“Sing us a song from your land Alex!” one dwarf called out. A chorus of agreement came shortly after.

“Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m pretty bad. Anyone got a tambourine?” Someone managed to actually procure something that was similar enough to fit my needs. I began to tap it at a steady rhythm.

_Istanbul was Constantinople_ _  
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople  
Been a long time gone, Oh Constantinople  
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night_

I began dancing in a circle around the dwarves while continuing to sing.

_Every gal in Constantinople  
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople  
So if you've a date in Constantinople  
She'll be waiting in Istanbul_

_Even old New York was once New Amsterdam  
Why they changed it I can't say  
People just liked it better that way_

_So, take me back to Constantinople  
No, you can't go back to Constantinople  
Been a long time gone, Oh Constantinople  
Why did Constantinople get the works?  
That's nobody's business but the Turks_

_Istanbul!_

I finished on a high note, and the dwarves were laughing and clapping. I took a deep bow and looked to our resident hobbit.

“Now Bilbo, I know you know a drinking song or two.” I said with a sly smile.

“Oh well I don’t know…” He began.

_You can search far and wide_

_You can drink the whole town dry_

_But you'll never find a beer so brown_

Bilbo began to sing and dance along, knowing the song well.

_As the one we drink in our hometown_

_You can drink your fancy ales_

_You can drink em by the flagon_

_But the only brew for the brave and true..._

_Comes from the green dragon!_

We finished that one, and he continued right into another.

_Hey, ho, to the bottle I go,_ _  
To heal my heart and drown my woe!  
Rain may fall and wind may blow,  
But there still beeeeee many miles to go!  
  
Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain,  
And stream that falls from hill to plain!  
Better than rain or rippling brook,  
Is a mug of beer inside this Took!_

The dwarves were laughing and clapping along while Bilbo and I danced. We all drank our worries away for one night. Knowing what was coming next, we would need it. I made sure to stow my bottle of rum before it was totally empty, knowing another conversation that was coming. Azog. I needed to warn them. After putting all that aside, I continued to drink with everyone and get absolutely shitfaced. We began to exchange stories of hilarity that we had all done over the years. It was a night that we all needed. I didn’t even bother to try to go back to my room. Better to fall asleep with the company than in the middle of the hall somewhere.

I awoke the next morning with little hangover. That was a pleasant surprise. The other pleasant surprise was my sleeping arrangement. I was curled up between Fili and Kili again. A girl could get used to this. However, that was only if I completed my mission here. To keep them alive. I’ve seen their deaths. I’m not about to let that happen. However, this was a good time to locate a certain dwarf king. He and I needed to talk. After wiggling out of the grasp of the princes, I grabbed my bottle of rum and went to go clean myself up. Thorin wasn’t terribly hard to find. Just had to follow the sound of grumbling.

“Thorin!” I called out. He turned around and regarded me with a questioning look.

“We need to talk. Follow me.”

I took Thorin to the small garden where I practiced yesterday. I sat on the grass, popped open my bottle, took a swig, and handed it to him.

“Trust me. You’re going to want this with what I’m about to tell you.” I said. He obliged.

“What did you wish to discuss?” He asked. Well, here goes nothing.

“What I’m about to tell you is what I know about this quest. In the version of this story that I know, your line dies.” I paused to let that sink in before continuing.

“After you reclaim the mountain, a massive battle occurs with orcs. Azog is among them. As much as I wish he did die in Moria, he is still very much alive. You all fall into a trap, and Fili gets captured. Azog kills him in front of you, and his body falls in front of Kili. That sends him into a rage that costs him his life. You fall to Azog while killing him at the same time.” As I said this, tears began to fall. I had grown attached to these dwarves. It was hell knowing that.

“We all die?” Thorin says quietly.

“That is the version of events where you don’t have me. I was sent here to prevent that. I can’t tell you how I know that. I just do. However, you must trust me. The journey is going to become more perilous from here on out. I will warn you when I can, but you have to listen to me.” I stressed the last part because of how stubborn Thorin is. It will take a lot of push to get him to listen, so I’m hoping that this will make that easier.

“You also cannot tell the others. Too many knowing could affect the outcome of all of this, and I may not be able to undo the damage.” He nodded.

“Good. I’m glad to see we agree on that. On that note, I’m going to go get cleaned up and train with my staff. See you around Thorin.” I said as I left. I didn’t wait for him to ask any questions, because I didn’t know if I could answer them at that moment. Telling him was harder than anything. Kinda hard to drop a bomb like that on someone, but I had to. Once I returned to my room, I decided that training could wait a few more hours. I stripped down and crawled into bed, where I fell asleep for a while longer.

“Alex are you in there?” was what drew me from my nap. It was Kili. He and Fili opened the door and came in. I sat up with a stretch. It was definitely a good thing I sat up facing away from the door. Let me tell you, it is extremely amusing to hear a fully grown dwarf squeak.

“What’s up?” I looked over my shoulder at the two. They were frozen to the spot. Oh boy.

“Alright, as fun as this has been, I need you two to either turn around or get out so I can get out of bed.” That spurned them to move. They both turned around and let me know about dinner before they left the room. I stood up and got dressed. I also cleaned up my makeup. It had gotten smeared during my nap.

As I walked to where the company was, I had a wonderful idea. I was going to teach two boys the importance of knocking. I found the company gathered around a fire same as the night before. I had snagged another bottle of wine for tonight as well. Since I saw Balin with the group, it was clear that tonight was not the night for the map to be read. I walked up to the edge of the circle and looked over at the two princes. This was going to be fun.

“Hey boys! I hope this afternoon taught you the importance of knocking.” I called out with a fake frown. I sat down and grabbed some food and poured a glass of wine.

“Why do ya say that lass?” Bofur asked. Perfect.

“I’ll let them tell you that one.” I said as I took a sip of my wine. The boys were both white as a sheet and stumbling over their words to explain what happened. I couldn’t hold the laughter in anymore. The dwarves stopped and looked at me.

“It’s all good guys. They walked in and I wasn’t properly dressed is all. No one saw anything and nothing happened. I just couldn’t resist.” I said while still laughing. Bofur started laughing, and the rest of the company followed. I noticed the two looking at me. I gave them a wink and continued drinking my wine. I stared at the fire for a bit. Tomorrow night the map would be read. Once we depart from Rivendell the journey will only get harder. I had to come up with a plan in the coming months to prevent the deaths of my friends. Even the thought of that made me a little glassy eyed. I don’t know if I made the right decision to tell Thorin this early, but hopefully it would help with him listening to me. The younger ones though? I can’t tell them. I don’t want to see that playful nature disappear this early. I was so deep in my musings that I didn’t notice someone sit next to me.

“You ok lass?” I startled out of my space out. It was Bofur who had asked. I looked at him and smiled.

“Yeah. Just got a lot on my mind. Got any funny stories or songs?” I replied. Bofur was more than happy to oblige on that one. Soon I was laughing and clapping along with everyone. As the night settled down, I snuck out to make my way back to my room alone. I cleaned off all the makeup, crawled into bed, and sobbed myself to sleep, burdened by the knowledge of the potential cost of this journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Istanbul (Not Constantinople) - They Might Be Giants


	6. Goblins, and Orcs, and Wargs, Oh my!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for things to take a bit of a dark turn.

The map had been read, and we snuck out of Rivendell. As much as I loved being here, it just didn’t quite fit. Before I left, I had managed to snag a pair of daggers and some different travelling clothes. My boots were still good. As much as I love my staff, it can’t be the only thing I have at my disposal. I had planned on asking Fili to teach me to use the daggers. Dude was wicked with all those knives. The Misty Mountains were still at least a week away, so now was as good a time as any.

“Hey Fili! Got a question for ya!” I called out, grabbing the daggers and my staff. I walked over to where he was sitting and held out the daggers for him. He took them and began to inspect them.

“Snagged these before we left the elves. Mind teaching me how to use em? Can’t always rely on you all to protect my ass and I can’t stab goblins with a staff.” I said. He thought about it for a second, then looked up and smiled.

“Of course, Alex. Shall we?” He asked as he stood up. We walked to the edge of the camp. Far enough out where we wouldn’t hit anyone, but close enough to be seen. Kili came and sat near us as well. Probably wanted to watch me make a fool of myself or something. We started running through the basics. Fili was a very patient teacher. I took all his tips and criticism and applied them as best I could.

“You’re good at taking criticism Alex. Kili over there never stopped whining when I tried to show him this.” Fili said with a chuckle.

“Hey! I did not!” cried Kili. I laughed at that.

“Dance. You should’ve seen some of the shit they told me. It wasn’t always nice. However, it all made me better.” I replied with a smile. I walked over and sat beside Kili. Fili joined us.

“Would you like me to teach you something?” I offered. The both nodded.

“Alright. I’ll start small. Tell me if you already know this one.” I did a simple cartwheel. They shook their heads.

“Perfect! Where I come from, this is actually a common thing learned as children. It’s always fun.”

I went about showing them how to do a cartwheel. The funniest part was telling Fili to take all of his knives off, so they don’t fall out. His face was pretty priceless. It was quickly replaced with a cheeky grin.

“Why don’t you remove them Alex?” he said trying to be coy. I looked him dead in the eye with the most even gaze I could make.

“You really think I won’t?” His expression faltered just a bit before going right back. I walked up and pulled two from out of the lapels of his coat. I handed them to him with a sly smile. He was not expecting that.

“Shall we continue with the lesson?” I asked. Kili about fell over laughing. I didn’t blame him. His brother’s expression was extremely amusing. Watching the boys attempt to do cartwheels was funny in itself. Kili got it faster than his brother. Soon enough I had Bilbo and Bofur cartwheeling as well. It was a good laugh to have around the fire. The days ahead were grim.

Through the coming weeks my sleeping arrangement stayed in place. I spent each night curled up between Fili and Kili. Summer was over, so the nights were only going to get colder. We were also travelling to a higher elevation. Thankfully because of all the time I had spent growing up climbing mountains and such, the elevation didn’t bother me. Poor Bilbo was having a rough time of it. The different clothes I snagged from the elves were certainly helping. They were more designed for cold weather than what I had. My leggings were a thick material that kept out the cold and the damp, and my tunic was of a similar material. I had undershirts as well. I had also maintained training with Fili to use my daggers. We had sparred a few times with my staff as well. My favorites were the ones with Kili. He was easy to bait, and it was adorable seeing him get flustered.

The slopes got steeper as we travelled. The path also grew narrower. My thin frame gave me a slight advantage here. I had more wiggle room. I was between Fili and Kili during the worst of the storm. With how hard it was raining; you’d swear we were in a hurricane. It was literally raining sideways.

“We must find shelter!” Thorin shouted. I rolled my eyes.

“No shit dude! Are there caves ahead?” I called out, knowing the answer already. I was not looking forward to what was in that cave. It was going to be gross, smelly, and touchy. Not a fan.

“Look out!” Dwalin called out. A giant rock into the cliff and shattered, raining chunks down on us. Balin and Bofur called out about this being a thunder battle between stone giants. Again, no shit dude. The ground began to crack under my feet. Fili pulled me backward. Kili looked at us with an expression of pure terror. I knew Fili mirrored that look. So did I. Kili and that half of the company made it to a spot that wasn’t moving. The giant that we were on continued to move. I clung to Fili for dear life. More than once I almost fell off the edge. The giant we were on took a hit and began to fall. We were rapidly approaching the cliff.

“Get ready to jump!” I called out. We made impact. Everyone was able land. Vaguely I registered Thorin calling in the distance. I was too busy looking for Bilbo.

“Bofur! Beneath you!” I called out. He looked down and noticed Bilbo. He grabbed on to his hand to try and hoist him up, but everything was just too slick. It took Thorin going down and pushing him up to get Bilbo back on the ledge. In doing so, Thorin almost fell from the edge.

“I thought we lost our burglar.” Dwalin said.

“He’s been lost ever since he left home. He should never have come. He has no place amongst us. Neither of them do.” Thorin spat, looking toward me and Bilbo. Saw that coming from captain pissy pants. Shortly after we found a cave to hide out in, aka goblin front porch. I sat against the wall, not taking off my pack. Sadly, my daggers were too big to hide, and my staff was obvious. I kept them all close. Since my daggers were elvish, they would glow when the goblins came. Fili and Kili kept looking in my direction, but I was too annoyed at the moment to want to talk to anyone. I decided to get some shut eye since we weren’t going to be able to for some time.

The next thing I know, everyone is shouting. I didn’t even bother to panic. I knew what was coming. There was a high chance that the dwarves were going to put the hood of my cloak up to disguise that I’m female. There’s a good chance that I’m going to get singled out for being a girl. Goblins and Orcs aren’t known for being very kind to them. It also doesn’t help that I stand at least a head taller than everyone here.

The floor opened up from underneath us, and we went down what I can only refer to as the dry waterslide from hell. Certainly looked like it was leading us through a portal to hell. Smelled like it too. We all landed in one heap in a basket cage. The goblins were quick to swarm us and pick us up. They grabbed at every inch of us that they could. One of the dwarves put Bofur’s hat on my head in hopes of disguising me.

“Don’t let them know you’re a girl!” was hissed at me. It wasn’t going to work but it was worth a shot. We were stripped of our weapons and packs and herded to the foot of a throne. The thing singing and dancing in front of it had to be the nastiest thing I had ever seen. Putrid was the word that came to mind. His swinging neck-chin-thing was the worst of it all. Hooray for the Goblin King.

He continued to sing and dance as we were herded closer. During his dance he literally skewered one of his own and flung it off the bridge. Once the song was done, he stepped on a pile of goblins to get on his throne.

“Catchy isn’t it? It’s one of my own compositions.” The Goblin King drawled out. I mean, he wasn’t wrong. As gross as the whole thing was, the tune was catchy.

“That’s not a song! It’s an abomination!” Balin called out. The dwarves cheered in agreeance.

“Abominations, mutations, deviations. That’s all you’re gonna find down here.” The king replied. Our weapons and packs were thrown in a pile in front of the king.

“Who would be so bold as to come armed into my kingdom? Spies? Thieves? Assassins?” The king called out.

“Dwarves, your malevolence. We found em on the front porch.” One of the goblin lackeys responded. The fact that the goblins have the idea of a front porch is slightly amusing, but I keep my face even. I’m trying to attract as little attention to myself as possible. As soon as the order was given to search us, I knew I was fucked. I smacked away as many of the grubby hands as I could. Nori’s bag was dumped out and considering the amount of stuff he stole from Rivendell, the king decided that we were in league with elves, despite it being almost completely the opposite. Poor Bofur did his best to distract the king, but it didn’t work.

“If they will not talk, we’ll make them squawk! Bring up the mangler! Bring up the bone breaker!” the Goblin King called out.

“Start with the girl.” My blood ran cold. I had been mentally prepping myself for this. No matter what way it went, it was going to suck some serious ass. The goblins swarmed the group, pulling me out of it. Kili tried to hold on to pull me back, but the goblins wrenched me away. I was taken to the front of the group.

“So, what is a human woman doing with a bunch of dwarves, hmm?” he asked. I gave no answer. This made the king upset. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me up to his face. I thought the trolls smelled nasty, but this was a whole new definition.

“Answer me!” he screamed, while gripping me tighter. Still, I remained silent. The squeezing of my ribcage caused me to cry out in pain. This seemed to delight him. He threw me at the ground and the goblins swarmed, grabbing at every scrap of fabric on me. They managed to rip open the outside of one of the pant legs, while leaving a nasty scratch down the length of my leg. It burned like a bitch. The dwarves were fighting to get to me, but they were locked in. I thrashed around, punching and kicking the little cretins off the bridge. I succeeded getting quite a few of them off before feeling a white-hot pain on my back. I registered the crack of whip somewhere I the back of my mind. I dropped to my knees and was hit with another blow. The back of my shirt was in shreds and there were two massive gashes down my back. I screamed from the pain. It was hot and relentless.

“Answer me, girl. Or you’ll get another one!” The Goblin King called out. I gritted my teeth, but still gave no response. I would not break. Not here. Another blow was struck. Black spots danced around my vision, threatening to consume me. I screamed again.

“Wait!” Thorin called out. I curled into a heap on the floor. I could hear Kili calling my name. I looked up and we locked eyes. That was an expression I never wanted to see on his face again. Deliberately ignoring the wet feeling on my back, I stood up. My legs were shaking, and every breath was agony, but I would not stay down. I turned and faced the Goblin King and Thorin. The fat fuck was distracted, so I crept backwards toward the group. Kili was able to grab me and pull me in. I hissed at the touch.

“Alex? Are you ok?” He asked, voice full of concern. I couldn’t talk about that now. It would impede the focus I was so desperately holding on to.

“Ask me later. Get ready to fight.” He looked at me with a puzzled expression. During our exchange, Thorin’s sword was revealed and all hell broke loose. Kili held on to me and deflected as much as he could. I got in a few good hits myself. Nasty fucking goblins. A bright white light overtook the bridge and knocked all of us over. I landed square on my back. Black spots danced again from the pain.

“Take up arms. Fight! Fight!” Gandalf cried. I managed to grab my things in the confusion. My staff would be perfect for this. Adrenaline running through my veins, I ignored the pain. Kili ran behind me to make sure I didn’t fall behind. Using my staff, I swept goblin after goblin off the side of the bridge. There was a couple of times where I smacked one that was getting too close to the dwarves. It was a hellish run.

We made it all the way to the edge of a cliff, but before we could cross, the goblin king landed before us.

“What’re you going to do now, wizard?” That really was a terrible question. Gandalf stabbed in the eye with his staff and sliced his stomach open.

“That’ll do it.” Were the last words of the Goblin King before Gandalf cut this throat. The bridge collapsed under us. So, here’s the thing. I’ve never been a fan of those carnival rides that take you high up and then have you freefall. I hate them. But this, this was all of that and then some. I screamed for the entire way down. We crashed to a halt and I rolled off the bridge into the dirt. Kili pulled me up and we ran out of the tunnel. Daylight never felt so sweet.

My adrenaline finally ran out. I collapsed. Everything HURT. Kili ran toward me screaming my name. He propped me up so Oin could get a proper look at my back. I didn’t need to look to see the faces of the company after looking at my back.

“These are gonna need stitches, lass.” Oin said.

“No time. Just wrap me up for time being to help stop the blood.” I locked eyes with Thorin.

“Azog is coming.” I panted out. Breathing hurt so damn bad. I screamed again once Oin started wrapping my back. Once he was done, Kili helped me stand. The howl of a warg rang from behind us.

“Out of the frying pan.”

“And into the fire. Run!”

Kili ended up throwing me over one shoulder instead of trying to have me run. Probably for the best. We ran to the trees, and he passed me up to Fili before climbing up himself. The adrenaline was flowing again, so I was more lucid. Wargs were ripping at the ground below the trees and uprooting them. The tree we were in began to careen sideways.

“Alex! Jump!” Kili called out. I managed to land in the other tree, clutching the trunk. Gandalf tossed Fili a flaming pinecone, which he threw at the wargs. The fire swept around the orcs, lighting some on fire, and causing some to flee. Azog however, was unbothered. He looked Thorin dead in the eye with an evil grin. He began to talk in Black Speech, taunting the dwarf. The look in Thorin’s eyes was one of pure murder. I didn’t blame him. The trees began to groan under our weight. My stomach lurched as the tree fell backward. This didn’t deter Thorin in the slightest. He took the bait and walked toward Azog. Shit. I managed to crawl up on to the tree. I checked the brothers, and they were fine as well.

Thorin promptly got his ass handed to him and was on his back. Both Bilbo and I stood up. Bilbo ran and tackled the orc that was about to strike Thorin, and I stood in front of him, staff at the ready, pointed straight at the big white fuckwit. There was no way I was letting Thorin go down without a fight. My entire goal was to keep the line of Durin alive. It would be pretty shit to fail this early. I stared down Azog. He regarded me with a curious look, before smirking. I didn’t have to understand him to see that he called the order for me to die. I swung my staff at the orc that dashed at me. Sword clashed with staff. I was not going down. I would not die here.

With a war cry, the rest of the dwarves ran into the clearing to fight off the orcs. Opting for my daggers with the others so close, I used every lesson that Fili ever taught me. I stayed in front of Thorin, cutting down anything that came close. I was not going to fail. That was the thought that kept me standing. A screech rang out above me. At last, the eagles.

The eagles picked up wargs and orcs and dropped them off the cliffside. Seeing one coming from me, I quickly sheathed my daggers and grabbed my staff along with Thorin’s oak branch. I was swept up in the talons of the eagle and dropped on the same back as Fili and Kili. The last thing I remember seeing was Kili’s face, with tear tracks running down his face, screaming my name.


	7. Because All We Ever Do Is Run (Though Sometimes It Is For Fun)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought it would be a good time to give our lovable company a break.

When I finally came to, I was on a bedroll, covered by a cloak. It took a second, but when the pain registered, it was very unpleasant. I began to cry out, but my throat was so dry that it came out as pained whispers. I felt warm hands stroking my face.

“Alex! Can you hear me?”

The voice was familiar. I opened my eyes to see concerned brown ones looking back at me. Kili. He helped me sit up while keeping the cloak covering me. It was at this moment that I discovered I wasn’t wearing a shirt. Awesome. Once I was up, he held a waterskin to my lips. Water had never tasted so damn good. The pain was still bad, but it was lessening. The events of the previous day, at least I’m assuming it was, dawned upon me. I looked to Kili.

“Is Thorin ok?” I asked. Every movement made me flinch. Kili chuckled.

“He’s fine Alex.” I sighed in relief.

“Good. Now do you want to fill me in on everything? The last I remember was being on top of the eagle.” I said. Kili recounted everything to me. Most of it was not a surprise.

“Alex, your back.” Kili said. His hold on me tightened just a bit at this.

“Oin had to cut your shirt and bindings to get to it. You woke up as soon as he began to clean your wounds. I had to hold you down while he stitched your gashes shut. Your leg wasn’t as bad, but we had to remove your pants so they could be mended.” He said quietly. He didn’t want to show it, but I could hear it. He was at the edge of tears. I lifted one hand to cup his cheek. I gave him a small smile.

“Hey. I’m here. I’m alive.” I said gently. Oin approached us at this point.

“Here lass, to help with the pain.” He said, handing me a cup of what looked like tea. It was bitter, but I drank it, nonetheless. I looked to Kili again.

“Where are the others?” I asked. It seemed as if the minute I asked that, the entire company was gathered around.

“Lass? How are ya feelin?”

“You’re awake!”

“We weren’t sure you were gonna make it!”

I chuckled at their words. It was sweet. Seeing the concerned and happy looks on everyone’s faces. I sought out one dwarf in particular. Thorin stood at the edge of the circle. Not too close, but not too far.

“Thorin.” I called out. He looked right at me. Several emotions crossed his face in that moment.

“You ok dude? Last I saw you were on the ground.” I asked, concern clear in my voice despite it being quiet. He looked taken aback.

“You endured all of that, and yet you ask about my wellbeing? I underestimated you Alex. You stood in front of the goblin king and took lashings for us. And you didn’t breathe a word of what we were doing. You have my thanks.” Thorin said. Same as his nephew, he wasn’t going to show it, but the emotion was clearly there in his voice. It was enough for me. I gave him a small smile.

“It’s all good, Thorin. Remember our conversation at Rivendell. Also, you aren’t the first to underestimate me, and you won’t be the last. Did you find your shield?” I said. The tea was starting to take effect.

“I did.”

“Good. They left it behind in my world. Couldn’t have that.” I said as I drifted off.

When I woke up again, the sky was full of stars. I was clothed again, so I attempted to sit up. It was a slow process, but I managed. Fili was on watch, and Kili was next to me, sound asleep. Must have stayed by me the entire time.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, concern evident in his voice.

“Been better. Mind helping me to the fire?” I said with a chuckle. He came over and sat me next to where he was. He handed me a bowl.

“Here. It’s cold now, but you should eat.” He said. I took the bowl and ate slowly. Cold or not, food was food.

“Why did you do that?” Fili asked with a small voice.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Why did you endure that for us? That was horrible to see, and I can’t imagine what it felt like to you, yet you didn’t say a word. So why?” he asked. I gave him a small smile.

“Because I wanted to. I care about all of you. Honestly? I knew I was going to get singled out the moment the whole thing started. I stuck out pretty bad, being a head taller than all of you. I couldn’t stand the thought of one of you taking that.” I said quietly. Mainly, I couldn’t stand the idea of Kili being the one to take the lashes. I had come to care for the dark-haired prince more than the others. If it came down to me versus him, I would volunteer for that every time.

“He wouldn’t leave your side, you know.” Fili said quietly. I looked to him, confusion clear on my face. Who wouldn’t leave my side?

“What?” I asked.

“Kili. He wouldn’t let go of you. He held you while Oin dressed your wounds. It was his cloak that you were under. He just about fought any of us that tried to get him away from you.” Fili said, with a pensive expression.

“Why?” I asked. I had a hunch about the answer, but I wasn’t going to assume.

“Because he cares for you. Just don’t hurt him, Alex.” Fili replied. I figured as much. Boy did my little heart soar at that one. I gave a small smile.

“Don’t worry about that one.”

Fili and I sat in comfortable silence after that. It didn’t take me long to start falling asleep again. Fili helped me back over to where I was before. Without even thinking about it, I curled into Kili for warmth, and fell asleep soon after.

I was gently nudged awake by Kili in the morning. He helped sit me up and handed me a bowl of breakfast.

“Fili told me about yesterday.” I said quietly. I didn’t want the group overhearing. He paused in shock.

“What did he tell you?” Kili stammered out. He looked nervous and embarrassed at the same time. It was pretty adorable.

“That you wouldn’t leave my side. That you leant me your cloak. Usually I’m the one doing that for others. So, thanks.” I whispered. I gave him a small kiss on the cheek before slowly attempting to stand. Kili jumped up and helped me the rest of the way. We walked over to Oin.

“Morning Oin! Mind checking on this?” I asked. He looked surprised.

“Of course, lass! Normally I ‘ave to go chase em down.” I sat down and he replaced my bandages. Kili had sat down in front of me. His face was twisting into one of guilt.

“Oi. What’s with that face?” I said as I flicked the younger prince on the nose with a smile. That seemed to snap him out of his thoughts. Oin had finished with my bandages, so Kili helped me up again.

Soon after, we were on the road again. Kili had opted to carry my bag. I still carried my daggers and staff. I was using my staff as a walking stick. When I would start to lag behind a bit, Bilbo would come keep me company. We shared jokes and riddles to keep our spirits up. After about a week, my back had mostly healed. Oin removing the stitches seemed worse than when he put them in. Then again, I hate stitches. Paying attention to the timeline, I figured that we were getting close to Beorn.

It was a few days later that the orc pack finally caught up to us. Time for a run. Upon hearing Beorn’s roar, I fucking booked it out of there. I was not dealing with that. My back was essentially healed, so I was back to full running speed.

“NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!” was all anyone could hear from me. As I ran. I saw the house once we broke the clearing. Being faster than the dwarves, I made it to the door first, and unlatched it. I collapsed in a pile of straw, panting heavily. The dwarves managed to shut the door just as Beorn reached it. Close call.

“What is that?” Ori asked. Poor guy looked scared out of his wits.

“That is our host.” Gandalf replied, out of breath himself.

“His name is Beorn, and he is a skin-changer. Sometimes he is a huge black bear, sometimes he is a giant strong man. The bear is unpredictable, but the man can be reasoned with. However, he is not overfond of dwarves.” Gandalf explained. Seeing as how I already knew all of this; I turned my attention to the animals around us. I found the first one near me that would let me pet it. I quietly cooed at the goat. It was just too damn cute. I did this with several animals around the barn.

Kili noticed me doing this once the company had begun to settle. I heard him chuckle beside me. I looked up at him.

“What?” I asked, laughing myself. He just shook his head while chuckling and found a spot in the straw that looked cozy. I followed and sat beside him. Fili sat on the other side of me. Our sleeping arrangement was the only thing that got me to sleep for the last several months, especially when my back was still fresh open. The boys made sure that I was able to sleep and would adjust if I needed it. The company all settled down to sleep, aside from Bifur, who had first watch. Sleep claimed me quickly.

I woke at some point during the night. Fili was on watch next to me. Pulling myself out of Kili’s iron grip, I sat up next to him.

“Thank you for not hurting his feelings.” Fili said quietly.

“What do you mean?” I asked. I was still a little sleepy, so things weren’t quite registering yet.

“He seems to smile more when you’re around.” He replied.

“It’d be pretty fuckin stupid to hurt those when I share them.” I said with a small laugh. Fili looked at me with wide eyes. I closed my eyes and pursed my lips.

“Fuck. I just said that out loud didn’t I?” Fili nodded.

“Shit. Don’t you dare fucking tell him, or I will personally beat your ass, prince or not.” I looked him dead in the eye. I knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep it secret for long. Fili and Kili may as well be twins with the amount of mind reading shit they had going on. Fili gave a small laugh.

“I won’t. But you should tell him.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just not sure how. I don’t want to mess it up, ya know? Because knowing me, I’ll trip all over my words and end up looking like an idiot.” I sighed.

“I don’t think so.” Fili whispered. With that, I gave him a small smile and crawled back over to where Kili was sleeping. He was on his side facing toward me. He looked so innocent in sleep. Like all the worries and woes over the last several months never happened. I brushed his hair out of his face as a few tears ran down my own. I couldn’t let the story end the way I had seen it. As selfish as it sounded, I couldn’t handle having to part with Kili. I cared about him as more than friends. Fili and Thorin I loved as brothers. I couldn’t let anything like that happen to them. I had to save all of them because I couldn’t fathom any of them living without the others. With that thought, I curled up into him and held on just a bit tighter than normal. It didn’t take long for sleep to come. Little did I know, Kili had heard the entire thing.

Morning seemed to come too quickly. Gandalf woke us all up to meet Beorn. It was decided that I would go up with Gandalf and Bilbo to make the initial greeting. I left all armor and weapons behind. Some of the dwarves protested that, but I shrugged. I knew Beorn wasn’t going to hurt me. And even if he did, weapons wouldn’t do shit. I’d be down in one blow. Beorn was chopping wood in the yard. We approached slowly.

Gandalf was the first to say hello. Beorn stopped chopping and regarded us with suspicion. Gandalf introduced himself and Bilbo when prompted. Beorn looked to me.

“And who are you?” he asked me. I answered before Gandalf had a chance.

“My name is Alex, Mr. Beorn. Thank you for allowing us to stay in your home during the night. I must say, your animal companions here are so lovable and friendly, especially the goats.” I said with a smile remembering the goats I was cooing over last night. Beorn gave me a small smile before looking up to see the rest of the company.

Breakfast was had at Beorn’s table. He was pouring us all cups of what appeared to be milk. The size of the table wasn’t terrible for me, but it looked comically small for the dwarves. I sat next to Fili. Kili had been acting weird all morning. Whenever I would try to catch his eye, he would look elsewhere. As we heard the story of Beorn’s people, I wanted to cry. If I knew how, I would break those damn manacles. No one deserved that. He seemed to sense that I was looking at those and looked at me. I briefly met his eyes and looked away. I didn’t want him to think I was pitying him. He was far too strong for that.

Once breakfast was over, it was decided that we would stay here for a short while to rest and recover. Beorn was kind enough to offer me his bath to clean up in. The dwarves were told about a stream. Before I got in the bath once all the dwarves were gone, I looked to Beorn.

“I know you saw me looking at your manacles earlier.” I said. He hummed in response.

“I want you to know it was not out of pity, but empathy. I couldn’t imagine enduring that. I’m so sorry that you had to.” I said, tears already beginning in my eyes. He didn’t say anything. I looked him in the eye, tears streaming from mine. This seemed to surprise him.

“Once this is all over, I’ll be back.” I said, strength rising in my voice.

“And why is that?” He inquired. My determination grew.

“I’ll be back once this is all over with a way to get those off.” I said while pointing to the chained cuffs on his wrists. His eyes widened and he looked taken aback.

“A soul so gentle as to have a home full of happy animals here of their own volition doesn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that.” I said. I was still crying. He didn’t say anything still. I nodded at him and proceeded to take a bath.

The bath wasn’t the warmest, but I couldn’t give less of a fuck at this point. I was getting clean. The color that the water turned as I bathed was pretty nasty. Using some soap I found close by, I washed all of the grime out of my hair. I scrubbed every inch of my back that I could reach. My scars were still tender, so I was gentle over them. I really wondered what they looked like. I’d have to ask Beorn if he had anything similar to a mirror or try to use the stream. I dried off and drained the tub. Beorn was kind enough to lend me one of his shirts to use as a sort of dress while my clothes dried. I used a leather strap I found as a makeshift belt to tie around my waist. After that was done, the shirt reached to just under my knees.

Stepping out of the room, I nodded to Beorn again with a smile. I gathered my clothes and blanket and walked to the stream. I didn’t even bother putting on shoes. I was warm enough that I didn’t need to. I had missed the feeling of grass between my toes. Back home, I walked barefoot everywhere, including the grass and dirt. I found the bank of the stream and put the pile at the base of a tree. Washing my clothes was a nasty ass task. Some of my clothes needed repair, and my blankets needed a bath. I’d have to see if I could find a needle and thread around here. Looking at the pile of clothes I had in front of me, I realized that I had nothing that was clean. So rather than getting the only garment I had wet, I decided it would go for the time being.

I took a look around to make sure none of the company was around. I was within the borders of Beorn’s farm, so I should be safe. My daggers and staff were with me just in case. I untied the leather strap and pulled the shirt off, leaving me in nothing but my sports bra and booty shorts. I folded them up and placed them at the base of the tree and began to wash my clothes. The other thing I didn’t want to happen would be the shirt getting dirty from the water where I was washing these. I hung the clothes on the tree to dry. My bedroll was a lot nastier than I thought. It was a really good idea for me to wash this right now.

While I was unfolding my blanket to wash, I heard a rustling behind me. After everything that I had been through, I wasn’t going to take any chances with this. In a flash, my dagger was in my hand and pointed at the intruder. Said intruder happened to be Kili. He stood there, eyes wide and hands up. I relaxed and put my blade down.

“What’s up Kili?” I returned to the task at hand. Dwarf or no, my blanket needed washing. When I didn’t hear a response, I turned back to him. He still had wide eyes. I looked down and realized the reason for that. Since I was only in my shorts and bra, I was mostly naked. I busted up laughing.

“If it bothers you that much, turn around.” I wheezed. I heard a shuffling behind me and a plop.

“None of us had seen you since you went to bathe, and you weren’t in the house. I went to go look for you. I didn’t expect to find you like, uh, this.” He said. You could hear the embarrassment in his voice. I smiled.

“What are you doing out here like this? Something could have happened to you!” Kili said.

“Well, none of my clothes were clean. Several pieces need repair. My blanket was gross. So was my bedroll. I decided to do laundry. Beorn lent me a shirt and a leather strip to make a dress, but I didn’t want to get that wet seeing as how I have nothing else clean or dry right now. I looked around and didn’t see any of you, and we’re still in the borders of Beorn’s home, so I’m safe. I took of the shirt and cord and put them at the base of the tree. If you notice, my weapons are here with me. I wasn’t slow to point them at you when you snuck up on me.” I kept my tone even, but soft. I could sense Kili was on edge. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to ask why he was being weird this morning.

“So, you gonna tell me why you’ve been weird and avoiding me all morning? Seems odd if you’re this concerned about me.” I asked. He took a bit to respond.

“I heard you talking to Fili last night.” I paused my washing. Shit. I spun around to face him. He sat with his back to me no more than 6 feet away.

“How much.”

“All of it.” Fuck.

“Fuck. That was not how I wanted you to find out about that. Shit. I’m sorry. Ah, fuck. You were awake when I touched your hair weren’t you? Fuck! I don’t want to make things weird.” I stammered out. Heat bubbled in my face. This was exactly how I didn’t want this to go. He began to turn toward me. I didn’t want him to see my face at the moment, so I turned back around just as fast. I pulled my knees to my chest and put my face in my hands. I heard him shuffle closer behind me. His breath hitched when he took in the sight of my back. Well that answers my question of how bad it looked.

I felt his fingers beginning to ghost across my back. I stiffened for a moment at the touch and he paused. Once I relaxed, he began to move again. He was tracing my scars. Tears began to fall from my eyes. Yeah, I got those from defending those I care for, but it doesn’t make them any less shitty. When he noticed that I was crying, he pulled me over and held me against his chest. The dam broke. I hadn’t really let anything out about this. Haven’t had the chance. He held on to me while I sobbed. He ran his fingers through my hair to help soothe me. I gripped his shirt and just let it all out. He held me the entire time. Exhaustion crept into me as I stopped crying. Letting out all of that emotion wore me out. I fell asleep in Kili’s arms.

I awoke to voices. Not wanting to them to know I was awake, I didn’t move. It was Fili and Kili.

“What are you doing!? If Uncle were to see this, you would never hear the end of it!” Fili hissed. It occurred to me that Kili was still holding on to me. My shirt dress was back on, so I assume he put it on me while I was asleep. Wise.

“Be quiet Fee! I don’t want to wake her up just yet!” Kili whispered in turn. I mean, too late for that. But hey, I’ll let him have that one.

“What happened?” Fili asked. Probably noted my less than put together self and all the laundry.

“I think it all caught up with her. She was out here washing her clothes when I found her. So, I sat down, and we were talking. I’ve seen this happen to her before. She began to cry, and the only thing I could think to do was hold on to her. It seemed to trigger her finally letting it out. She sounded like she was in so much pain, Fee. Once she cried it all out, she fell asleep. I didn’t want to move her. This seems like the best sleep she’s gotten since the goblins.” Kili explained. He left out the details of my state of dress when he arrived. Smart boy. I heard a rustling beside me. Fili had sat down next to us. I decided to wake up now.

I groggily sat up. The sun was still bright in the sky, so I couldn’t have been napping for long. I gave a big stretch an after looked at the boys. Their faces were looking just a bit too close to pity for my liking.

“Oi. Don’t go giving me that look. I see the pity growing. I don’t need it.” I said a bit harshly. Both brothers looked startled. That was not what they expected to hear from me. I looked to Kili.

“Thanks for being here. I really needed that.” I said as I stood up. My clothes were dry, so I began to gather them up to return to the house. After grabbing my weapons, I noticed that the boys were still sitting.

“You coming, or what?” I asked.

“Nah.” Fili said.

“You go on ahead.” Kili followed. I shrugged and walked back to the house. Internally my brain was swirling. Kili heard everything from the night previously, and due to my fantastically timed breakdown, we didn’t talk about it. Peachy. I put my clothes back and walked outside. The company were doing various things around the farm. I was nice to see everyone just a little more relaxed. Upon moving my legs around just a bit, I decided that the shirt wasn’t too cumbersome. I walked into the grass, and just ran. I sprinted around the fields, relishing in the feel of the ground beneath my feet. I felt the freedom of the grass below me. Deciding to test my limits, I prepped for a dash. As a child, 100-yard dashes were a favorite of mine. Using a tree as a marker, I got ready.

Off I went. I pushed my body to the very limit. I moved my legs as fast as I could. I stayed on my toes. It felt like freedom. Was I a wheezing mess once I was done? Oh yeah. Was it worth it? Oh yeah. Some of the others had seen my run.

“Tha was mighty quick, lass!” Bofur called out. Bifur was with him and nodded as well. I laughed.

“Why thank you, Bofur. Care to race me?” I called out.

“Oh no. I’m no’ gonna try tha’ one.” He replied with a laugh. Some of the other members of the company were gathering round.

“Hello boys! Anyone care for a race? Perhaps you, Dwalin? Or you, Bombur. That was some fast running I saw from you the other day!” I called out. It was nice to just be around the group. It had been so long since we had a true break.

“I’ll race you.”

I turned with a smirk to see who my challenger was. Fili and Kili stood nearby. My smile dropped a bit. It was clear from the look he was giving me that Kili was the challenger, and that he knew our unfinished business. So be it. An impish grin appeared on my face.

“Oh ho! Was that a challenge I heard?” I taunted. I strutted over to them, standing tall. I stopped a bit in front of them and crossed my arms. The grin remained. They both looked up at me and smiled.

“It was.” Kili smirked. Cheeky shit.

“You think you can beat me?” I asked, still taunting.

“I do.” I gave him my best Cheshire cat grin. That unsettled him a bit, but he was quick to recover.

“If you go easy on me, I’ll whoop your ass. Got it?” I said, grin still there. He nodded. We walked over to the starting point. The other dwarves were whooping and shouting. I saw Beorn and Gandalf watching us from a bit away. Bets were being made. Perfect. I showed him where the starting line was. I looked to him. 

“First one to the tree wins.” I said.

“May the best dwarf win,” he replied with a smirk. Time to wipe that shit right off his face. The cue happened, and we were both off. I’ll admit, he gave me a run for my money. He wasn’t fucking around. However, I had the advantage. I had much longer legs and was far lighter. Speed was my thing. It was a close call, but I made it first. I looked to Kili with a smile.

“You really made that a challenge for me. Let’s do that again soon!” I called over to him while panting. He nodded with a smile, still panting himself. Bags of coins were being tossed around behind us. All of the dwarves that saw my initial run bet on me. Fili bet on his brother. I looked to him.

“Fili! Don’t you remember what I told you as we left The Shire? Word of advice, Master Dwarf! Never bet against me!” I called out. This caused everyone to laugh. I fell over into the grass and stared at the sky. Kili plopped down next to me, equally as tired. Without even thinking about it, I grabbed his hand as we shared a laugh. He didn’t protest, and we simply laid there for some time.


	8. Boots and Poor Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I totally messed up my neck and have been stuck in bed for days. Yikes.

Everyone dispersed after Kili and I flopped on the ground. We continued to hold hands. I looked over to him.

“Hey.” I whispered. He turned to me. I looked him in the eye as I asked my next question. The face can lie, but the eyes cannot.

“If you heard everything that Fili and I talked about, then you know I am aware that this isn’t one sided. Am I right?” I asked. He looked unsure for a moment, but his eyes told me everything I needed to know.

“Yes.” I smiled. I sat up looked around to make sure that no one would see my next move. When I saw the coast was clear, I laid back down and looked over to Kili. It was seeing him like this that made me forget that he was actually a battle-hardened warrior. A prince trained to fight since he was small. All I saw was the gentleness in his eyes. Before he could question my movements, I leaned over and gave him a deep kiss. I pulled away after a moment, and laid back down, never looking away from him. His face remained startled. I began to worry that I made the wrong move. Then he looked to me.

“Did that just...?” He began.

“Yup.” I replied.

“Did you…?”

“Yup. Was that bad?” I asked, my face beginning to fall. His answer came in the form of another kiss. Deeper than the last and filled with more emotion. It had all the unspoken words, the hidden touches, the quiet gestures. Everything that we had done for the other without knowing it. There was need, lust, desire, tenderness, and everything we couldn’t say. We parted and continued to look each other in the eyes, still laying in the grass under the blue sky and sun. Safe, if even for a moment. Rather than exchanging words, we held on to one another. I broke the silence.

“I care for you Kili. I can’t do this without you. I cannot walk these paths without you.” I said in a small voice. I didn’t know if he actually heard me. After a brief moment, he responded.

“You don’t have to.” We were still looking at one another. I gave him a gentle smile. We both dozed off under the afternoon sun.

We were awoken a short time later by Fili. He had a sly grin on his face.

“Why hello brother! Getting close with our dear Alex, are we?” he asked, voice full of mirth. Before Kili responded I jumped in.

“Careful blondie. Teasing him right now is also teasing me.” I said with a devilish grin. Fili simply laughed and walked away. I looked back toward Kili. He was still half asleep. I gently nudged him just a bit more.

“C’mon Kili. Time to wake up.” I sat up with a big stretch. That nap was just what I needed. I used my fingers to comb out my hair. There was only a bit of grass in it. No big deal. Kili however, was a different story. Poor boy’s hair was a mess. Not only was it ruffled from our kiss, but also had grass in it. I giggled. I took a quick look around. The coast was clear again. As he sat up, I began to pull the grass out of his hair.

“Can’t have you going back inside looking like that.” I giggled. He fully woke up once he noticed me messing with his hair. I laughed a bit more.

“Now that you’re awake, I’ll leave you to it.” I got up and walked toward the house. Inside the company and Beorn were having dinner. It was a merry affair. Mead had been pulled out, and everyone was laughing and smiling. A nice change. I noticed a seat next to Fili open, so I hopped up into it. I grabbed a mug of mead.

“Finally joining us Alex? Looked like you were going to sleep the rest of the day away in the grass with my brother!” Fili said with a smile. I returned it.

“What can I say? I was comfortable.” I took a big gulp of my mead. Hot damn this shit was good. I was feeling a song come on. It’d been so long since I did any performing. I stood up.

“Oi boys! Who wants a song?” I called out with gusto. Cheers rang out from the company. I got up on the table.

“Alrighty boys. I’m gonna give you a treat tonight. Clear the table!” I said. The dwarves were quick to obey. It felt like a Mary Poppins night.

_Chim chiminey_ _  
Chim chiminey  
Chim chim cher-ee!  
A sweep is as lucky  
As lucky can be_

I began to dance around the table, spinning in circles and jumping around. Kili was just walking into the room. I saw the perfect opportunity. So hot damn did I take it.

_Chim chiminey_ _  
Chim chiminey  
Chim chim cher-oo!  
Good luck will rub off when  
I shakes 'ands with you  
Or blow me a kiss_

I blew a kiss to Kili with a wink. His eyes widened. The company laughed and clapped along. I pulled Fili up on to the table and we spun around together. _  
And that's lucky too_

_Now as the ladder of life_ _  
'As been strung  
You may think a sweep's  
On the bottommost rung_

Fili sat back down, and I jumped around the rest of the company. I even ran to Beorn and twirled around him with a smile.

_Though I spends me time_ _  
In the ashes and smoke  
In this 'ole wide world  
There's no 'appier bloke_

Bilbo was my next dance partner. Being as light footed as he was, he spun rather well with me. I jumped to the bench and sat down between Dwalin and Thorin.

_Chim chiminey  
Chim chiminey  
Chim chim cher-ee!  
A sweep is as lucky  
As lucky can be_

_Chim chiminey  
Chim chiminey  
Chim chim cher-oo!  
Good luck will rub off when  
I shakes 'ands with you_

I clapped each of them on the back before hopping back on the table. I stood tall and proud in the middle.

_I choose me bristles with pride_ _  
Yes, I do  
A broom for the shaft  
And a brush for the flume_

Kili had taken a seat by Fili at this point. Perfect. My expression turned pensive and nostalgic.

_Up where the smoke is  
All billered and curled  
'Tween pavement and stars  
Is the chimney sweep world_

_When the's 'ardly no day  
Nor 'ardly no night  
There's things 'alf in shadow  
And 'alf way in light  
On the roof tops of London  
Coo, what a sight!_

My jovial dance returned. I held my hand to Kili while I sang the verse. He looked a bit startled, but Fili shoved him up. I held his hands as we danced. Not quite as fast as with the others, but upbeat, nonetheless.

_Chim chiminey  
Chim chiminey  
Chim chim cher-ee!  
When you're with a sweep  
You're in glad company_

_No where is there  
A more 'appier crew_

_Than them wot sings  
"Chim chim cher-ee  
Chim cher-oo!"  
On the chim chiminey  
Chim chim cher-ee  
Chim cher-oo!_

I sat back down with Kili, out of breath and laughing heartily. It had been far too long since I had done something like that. We continued to drink the night away and just genuinely enjoy one another’s company. At some point Fili, Kili, and I went back to where our bedrolls were and fell asleep in one giant cuddle puddle.

I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. Leave it to me to get a hangover. I stumbled over to the table and laid my head down on it. Everything hurt. Some of the other dwarves began to filter in. I made no effort to move.

“Mornin’ Alex? Not feeling too good this morning?” Bofur chuckled. I grunted in response.

“Aw, poor little Alex feeling a little hungover this morning?” Fili taunted. Bad move. I looked up and shot him the nastiest glare I could muster.

“Choose your next words wisely, Master Dwarf.” I snarled. He looked genuinely scared for a moment but smirked after.

“What are you going to do?” He continued to taunt. Fili was ready at all times for a great many things. One of those was not a 5’10” 150lb woman diving at him from 6 feet away and grappling him by the knees. Stocky dwarf or no, he was caught off guard and fell over. Without missing a beat, I grabbed his left boot and ran. I knew he wouldn’t be faster than me, so I looked for a hiding spot. Once I was good and out of sight, I waited for him to run out after me. As soon as he did, I found a foothold and climbed up on to the roof of Beorn’s house. Being careful to not fall through or damage anything, I laid down with the boot next to me. Felt like a good time for a nap. I dozed off.

Several hours later I awoke to someone calling my name. I crept to the edge of the roof being careful to stay out of sight. The dwarves were searching for me. Fili was still walking around in one boot. I was honesty surprised that no one had thought to come up here yet. Bilbo was down with the dwarves looking for me. He looked worried. For a brief moment I felt bad. He caught my eye, and I held a finger to my lips. He smiled and I returned to my hiding spot.

Once I had decided that the poor boys had been worried enough for one morning, I crawled to the edge of the roof. Below me Thorin, Fili, and Kili were talking.

“What did you do, Fili?” Thorin asked.

“I made a simple jest, Uncle. That was all.” Fili held his hands up in defense. Deciding that I didn’t want the boy to take any more of a lecture, I stood up and threw the boot off the roof. It landed right next to the three of them. They all jumped and looked up. I stood on the edge of the roof, feet shoulder width apart, and hands on my hips. I donned the same Cheshire cat grin that I had yesterday when Kili challenged me.

“Have we learned our lesson, Fili?” I called out. His jaw dropped.

“Aw, poor little Fili feeling a little dumb for not looking up?” I taunted with a fake pout. The rest of the company had gathered at this point. Dwalin was the first to let out a boisterous laugh. Kili followed soon after. The rest of the company followed suit. Even Thorin was smiling. Fili was a different story. He was fuming. I climbed down and walked toward the group while laughing. Fili’s face was just too perfect. I walked toward the house to grab my staff but stopped right in front of him.

“Oh, and wash your fucking socks. Your boot smelled worse than the damn goblin cave.” Even Thorin laughed at that one. I gave Fili one more shit eating grin and walked into the house.

I chose a spot in the meadow to practice with my staff. After my wonderful morning nap, I felt rather energized. I had donned a tunic and a pair of leggings. I rolled up the leggings to just under my knees and ditched the tunic, leaving me in my sports bra. Running through all of the stretches and exercises gave me time to think. I needed to fill Thorin in on some of the events coming up. But I didn’t know the best way to do that. It was getting closer to the end of the journey, and I still hadn’t come up with anything concrete for what to do during the battle. I had to think quickly. The purpose I was sent here for has gained so much weight in the last month. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing mirth in those brown eyes again. Seeing his smile. Seeing any of them smile. A voice broke me out of my musings. It was the dwarf that had just occupied my thoughts.

“You ok, Alex?” he asked with growing concern. I gave him a small smile.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Question for ya.” I responded. He nodded.

“Wanna spar? I’m feeling out of practice.” I asked. Not bothering to put my tunic back on, I grabbed my daggers and he grabbed his sword. And we danced. Both of us were more speed-based fighters, but I was faster. What Kili didn’t have in speed he made up for in experience. He had been fighting for twice as long as I had been alive. Daggers clashed with sword, and the banter began.

“What’s wrong, Kili?” You’re slow today.” I taunted. I side-stepped him, pulled my daggers away from his sword. I slashed at his side, but he was quick to recover, deflecting my blow. It seemed my taunt had the desired effect. He was going just a bit harder. There was a part of me that wanted him to throw my ass down. Wanted to see him stand over me, chest heaving. We continued to fight, dancing around each other. I was growing tired, but I didn’t want to show him. He smirked as he got both of my daggers out of my hands. Out of the side of my eye I saw my staff. I dove to the side and picked it up just as Kili swung his sword. I blocked the sword and twisted my staff, so it disarmed him. Using the end of the staff, I butted Kili in the chest. The air was knocked out of his lungs and he fell over with an oof. I stood over him with my staff pointed at his neck.

“Stop going easy.” I said. He grabbed my staff in one hand and swept my feet out from underneath me. Rolling to recover, I stood up. He threw my staff to the side. Looks like it was time for hand to hand. So be it. I waited for him to charge me. I spun around him dodging his arms. If I let him get ahold of me this was done. Spinning fast enough that I was behind him, I kicked him in the back, knocking him over. This was pathetic.

“Stop going easy!” The annoyance was clear in my voice. I could see the change in his posture. The look in his eyes was finally serious. It was a little scary, but I wasn’t about to show that. He charged again. I knew that I was fucked this time, but I wasn’t going down easy. I deflected his punches, but he got in one good kick. That pause was enough for him to get his arms around me. Now I was definitely fucked. In one fluid motion he had me flipped over with my back on the ground. He stood above me with one boot on my chest. He put enough pressure to make sure I wouldn’t be able to get out from under it, but not enough to harm. That little voice earlier that wanted him to throw me was screaming right now. He stood above me, a thin sheen of sweat covering his body, panting just a bit from exertion. The look in his eyes was still serious.

The way we were positioned finally clicked for him. He moved his boot off of my chest and held out a hand to help me up. I grabbed it and pulled him down. The action startled him, so he didn’t have time to properly brace his fall. He landed on me rather hard, but I didn’t mind. Grabbing the front of his shirt, I pulled him down for a kiss. I didn’t waste time with words. Both of our hands roamed over the other, memorizing every inch. I wrapped my leg around his and rolled us over. Now I was on top. We broke the kiss, both needing air. There was an innocence about the way he looked. Hair fanned out underneath him, lips puffy, and wide eyes. The same eyes that had such a fierce look in them not 3 minutes prior. Not wanting to tempt fate, I rolled over to lay beside him. I didn’t want to take the shit or have him take it if someone saw us.

“Tell me about your world, Alex.” I paused. That wasn’t what I was expecting to hear. I smiled and obliged. I told him stories of urban jungles, late night desert parties, and of very different times. He held on to each word, occasionally asking questions. We had gotten closer to each other during the stories, our legs were tangled together, and we were holding hands. It was simple and sweet. Something much needed considering what was to come. Especially the amount of pain that this one sweet dwarf would endure on the other side of these gates.

Soon enough, it was time to depart Beorn’s. We stood in front of the forest. Everything about this felt wrong. It was muddled and murky. I knew this was going to be bad. I walked over to Thorin.

“Can I talk to you real quick?” He nodded.

“Remember our conversation in Rivendell?” Another nod.

“And what the ending of all this could be?” Another nod, this time with eyes closed.

“This is the part where you have to listen to me. There are some things that need to happen, and I need you to trust my judgement.”

“I will do what I can.” He replied.

“And that is all I can ask.” I walked over to Gandalf.

“Before you leave, there is someone where you are headed next. An old friend that you may be able to save. Don’t get captured.” I said. I didn’t want to give him the full details. Gandalf was good at working through cryptic messages. With that I walked over the company and entered the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Chim Chim Cher-ee - Dick Van Dyke, Julie Andrews


	9. A No Good Very Bad Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get a bit darker.

Everything about this forest was just wrong. You’d think the elves would care more about the forest they call home. My mind was muddled. The dwarves weren’t faring any better. I stuck close to Kili during the darker times. The one night we tried to light a fire, we were swarmed with moths. That left us to the dark. Dwarves, being built for dark mountains, were able to see much better in the dark than say, a human from a different world. There was a small voice inside of me that relished in this. It meant I got to hold on to Kili all day. In any other circumstance I wouldn’t be complaining. But this was something different all together.

The days passed. Or so I assumed. Time didn’t exactly mean anything in here. The company began to get more and more confused. They would have spats and argue. It felt like I was on acid without the fun. It was one night that we camped out that I started to sing. I had hoped it would calm everyone down just a bit. I was between Fili and Kili as usual and Thorin was on watch.

_I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go  
When all those shadows almost killed your light  
I remember you said don't leave me here alone  
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight_

Kili was laying on my chest. I began to absentmindedly run my fingers through his hair while tracing circles on Fili’s arm. It was easy to forget how young these two actually were. That young and already seeing so much horror.

_Just close your eyes, the sun is going down_ _  
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now  
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound_

Kili had fallen asleep, and Fili wasn’t far behind. Snores were beginning to come from around the circle.

_Don't you dare look out your window, darling everything's on fire  
The war outside our door keeps raging on  
Hold onto this lullaby even when the music’s gone, gone_

_Just close your eyes, the sun is going down  
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now  
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound_

_Just close your eyes, you'll be alright  
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound_

By the time my song was done, snores rang out around the circle. Mission accomplished. Looking over to the general direction of where our leader was, I spoke.

“Goodnight, Thorin.” I whispered, before falling asleep myself.

I awoke before the boys. Our position hadn’t changed much overnight. Both Fili and Kili were asleep on my chest, arms thrown over my waist, and legs tangled up in mine. It was a good thing I wasn’t exactly lacking in the chest department. It seemed that they really needed the rest, and my lullaby had done just the trick. I had no intention of moving until they were awake. If the other dwarves noticed how we were arranged, they didn’t say anything. Once most of the company was moving, I gently nudged both of them awake.

“Time to wake up you two.” They both began to stir and sit up. I didn’t get up, but instead gave a long stretch. I hadn’t moved much so I was a tad stiff.

“Sleep well, you two?” I asked with a small smile. They both nodded, still partially asleep. I stood up and stretched my legs a bit.

“Thanks for the song las’ night, lass. Put me right to sleep!” Bofur called out. There were hums of agreement from the rest of the company.

“Looked like everyone needed rest and it was the only thing I could think of to do.” I replied. As I was packing up my bedroll, I noticed the boys looking at me.

“Yes?” I questioned. Kili was the first to speak.

“Last night, how did you know?” he asked.

“Know what?” I replied. I was seriously confused.

“What would put us to sleep.” Fili responded. I shrugged.

“I guessed. Seemed like it worked. Don’t think either of you moved all night. Fell asleep with one of you on my chest and woke up with both of you on it.” I shrugged again and continued to pack my things. They still just looked at me. I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“Look. With me and those I care for back home, that isn’t uncommon. We curl up on each other all the time. If you’re that uncomfortable with it, we don’t have sleep like that again.” Both boys were quick to say no to that.

“Well now that’s settled. Let’s get moving, shall we?” I stood up and walked over to the gathering company.

During the trek that day, Kili approached me.

“Alex? I have a question.” He whispered.

“Go for it.”

“Last night you were touching my hair. Do you know what that means to us?” He asked, with a timid tone to his voice. I smiled.

“Yup.”

“And you still…” He paused.

“Yup. Was I wrong in doing so?” I asked, voice not betraying my uncertainty.

“No!” He was quick to reply.

“Good. Now let’s keep walking, yeah?” I asked, reaching behind me and poking him in the nose. He looked startled for a moment, before smiling. This was the clearest my mind had felt since entering the forest. Sadly, that clarity did not last long.

As the days passed, the dwarves got grumpier. That meant more squabbles. There was one in particular that got really bad. Normally for most of them I just stayed out of the way and let the others work it out. This one was between Fili and Kili, and it was getting out of hand. They were in the other’s face, screaming. I was surprised it hadn’t become physical. I didn’t want to let it get to that point. Who knows what they might do under the influence of this forest.

“Hey!” I stepped in between them, with a hand on each of their chests. These two were practically seeing red. Both of their angry gazes turned on me. I returned one just as strong.

“You two need to calm down. This forest is screwing with all of us.” I said calmly, looking between them. Fili grabbed my wrist hard enough that I felt a small pop. I cried out in pain, and he threw it down. Kili did a similar grasp, except instead of throwing it, he turned me around to face him. I had never seen this look in his eyes. It was dark, clouded, and angry. And it looked like I was about to take the brunt of that anger. His grip was tight enough that I felt another pop.

“And what do you care? You’re just some human bitch along for the ride!” He snarled. Using my arm as leverage, he threw me to the ground. The back of my head hit the ground with a sickening crack. I don’t know what hurt worse, my body or my heart. I know he didn’t mean the words, but it still hurt. My vision went black.

I came to a minute or two later. A bedroll was underneath my head, and Oin was next to me. I looked up and saw Thorin full on yelling at Fili and Kili. Both looked nothing like the ones that had just injured me. Bifur happened to me the one standing closest to me besides Oin. I looked up to him.

“Hey Bifur? Would you mind helping me up?” He nodded and offered me a hand. With some difficulty due to my now two bruised wrists, I stood up and walked toward the boys. Everyone went silent as I approached. I stood in front of the two princes. Fili was the first to try to speak.

“Alex, I...” was all he was able to get out before a smack rang out across the forest. As Kili began to speak, he got one with the other hand. They stood there, stunned. I had backhanded them with the wrists they bruised. One my initial rage wore off, I hugged my arms to me, pain becoming apparent. I stumbled back over to Oin, who wrapped them for me. They were only bruised, so they would be fine in a few days. My head was just a bump. Nothing to worry about on that front either. I stood up and shouldered my pack. Someone tried to carry it for me, and I shot them a dangerous look. I was not in the mood for dwarf chivalry. Once we made camp, I placed my bedroll down. I didn’t want to betray how much I hurt, both from the physical and emotional aspects. Timidly, the princes sat down on either side of me, keeping to our usual arrangement. I didn’t say anything. Each of them slowly reached for my hands. The ones they had hurt. I flinched when they initially made contact but made no move to stop them. So, they continued. They each rubbed small circles on a wrist to try and soothe the pain.

I finally noticed how tired I was. Gently grasping the hand of both of the princes, I pulled them toward me as I laid down. I held my arms open so they would see the invitation. I ended up being enveloped by them tonight, rather than the other way around.

“We’re so sorry, Alex.” Kili whispered. His voice cracked as he said it.

“Words cannot express how sorry we are.” Fili said, voice slightly cracking as well. Doing something similar to last night, I found one hand running through Kili’s hair, and the other rubbing small circles on Fili’s arm.

“Don’t worry about it. This forest is doing strange things to us all. I know it wasn’t you two. The two kind dwarves that pulled a girl off the side of the road and took her to a wizard without knowing her wouldn’t do that.” All of us chuckled at the memory. It was like this that we all fell asleep again.

Following the path, the next day brought us to a river. And naturally, the bridge was broken. Because nothing could ever be simple with this group. I walked up to the edge.

“We could swim across!” Bofur called out.

“No go. It’s enchanted, remember?” I responded. A patch of vines that lead to the otherwise was noticed. Thorin stated that the lightest go first. At first, everyone looked to me. I held up my bandaged hands.

“Not a good idea. Bilbo?” I said. He looked like his stomach had just dropped to the ground. With some reluctance, he began to cross the vines. There were a few times where I was genuinely concerned that he was going to fall in. He had several close calls, one of them being so close that his nose was inches above the water. In the end he did make it across. I let out a sigh of relief. Since my wrists were damaged, I crossed in between Fili and Kili so they could catch me if I fell. Turns out that didn’t really matter. Because of the amount of motion that the dwarves were making behind us, the vines were unstable. I was beginning to slip.

“Could you calm down back there? You’re going to knock me off!” I called to no one in particular behind me. Turns out I jinxed myself. Right as I said that, my grip slipped. Fili and Kili reached out to grab me but ended up grabbing the bruised parts of my wrists. I cried out in pain and as a reflex they let go. They tried to recover my grabbing me again, but that just ended up with all of us falling. All three of us fell into the river together. I tried to fight the sleep, but I couldn’t. I fell asleep to the sound of the company calling three names.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift ft. The Civil Wars


	10. Coasters and Booze

Slowly, I opened my eyes. I was greeted by the sight of a familiar popcorn ceiling. I was in my apartment. Was that all just one elaborate dream? The pain in my wrists made me think otherwise. That was solidified when I heard groaning next to me. I sat up quickly. I was definitely in my apartment, and on either side of me were Fili and Kili. Both of them sat up and began to look around, eyes widening in panic.

“Alex? Where are we?” Fili asked.

“What happened to the forest?” Kili added. Before they delved too deep into the realm of questions, I stopped them.

“Oi. You two. Calm down. We’re not in any danger here. This is my home.” They stared at me with wide eyes.

“I don’t know how, but we ended up back in my world when we fell in the river. I’m gonna guess that we fell asleep and the enchantment took us here.” I explained. That had to be the only reason. Me getting sent back I understand. But both of them? Not so much.

“How are we going to get back?” Kili asked, a hit of panic lacing his voice.

“We wake up. Based on what I know, it’ll take about a week. So, by that logic we have a week here. I think.” I mused. I had no idea if I was right or not. Either way, I was in my apartment. Meaning there was a shower. Without even thinking about it, I stood up and walked toward my bathroom, ditching my clothes as I went. It didn’t even occur to me that there were two men behind me. I just wanted clean. I took a short shower to get clean with the idea of taking a bubble bath later. There were two boys that stank in the middle of my floor. They hadn’t moved much. I walked out of the bathroom having changed into a tank top and some pajama pants. I went and sat down in front of them.

“Alright. I know this is a bit of a shock. You are essentially in the same place I was when I first landed in Middle Earth. For right now, you two are going to get clean. I don’t want my apartment smelling like shit forest. Fili, you’re up first. Follow me. Kili, stay here.” I didn’t leave any room for discussion. Fili followed me into the bathroom, and I showed him how to work the shower, and what soap was what. I left him out a towel. Thankfully, I had a few pairs of basketball shorts and big t-shirts that would work for them until I could get their clothes clean. I laid those on the counter for him too.

“Shout if you need me.” I called out. I walked back over to Kili and laid down on the floor next to him. This was really fucking surreal.

“Alex?” Kili whispered. I sat up.

“Yes?” I asked.

“Are we in the place that you told me stories about?” I laughed.

“We are, actually. This is my home.” I replied.

“Well, at least I’m not totally in the dark about it.” Kili chuckled.

“That you are not.” I replied with a chuckle of my own. Fili came out of the shower. I took Kili in and did the same for him as I did Fili. I gestured for Fili to come to the couch since he was clean. He sat down next to me.

“This makes me wonder exactly how much of my world I can access.” I mused.

“I’m not sure, Alex. This is all so new.” He replied. I giggled.

“For you yeah. There are some things I want to show you both since you’re here.” I said. I began to plot. If everything was as I had left it, there wasn’t exactly much to eat in my apartment. I stood up and did a bit of a look around. Strangely enough, I found my phone attached to its charger, and my bag that would have money in front of my dresser where it always sat. I checked my cabinets. Still had a healthy supply of booze. Had some food, but not nearly enough. Looks like a run was in order. I was definitely not feeling a grocery store run, so fast food it would be, if my car reappeared like my phone did. Once Kili came out of the bathroom, I sat him down on the couch next to his brother.

“Alright. We’re in my world now. There is going to be a lot here that is confusing and unfamiliar to you. You need to listen to my instruction, no matter what. I need you to trust me that I won’t lead you into danger if you listen to me. Because trust me, there are worse things in this city than the wild.” The both nodded.

“Sweet. On that note, we’re gonna get some food.” I grabbed them a few pairs of sandals I had lying around. They really didn’t fit, but it would do the job to get them to my car. We were gonna do drive through anyway. As we walked outside, I did a squeal and a jump for joy. The boys looked confused as they saw me running toward something. My car was there. Intact. I looked to the princes.

“Remember that scrap of metal you found me in front of?” I asked. They nodded.

“Well. This is her before all that! Now come here!” I called out. They approached the car with caution. Didn’t surprise me since the last time they saw my car it was in scraps. I opened the doors of the back seat of my little blue sedan and told them where to sit. I showed them both the buckle and told them how to use it. At first, they protested, but a look from me silenced that. I got in the car and started her up. This had both of the boys gripping the seats. They had never seen something like this before. I turned to them.

“Calm down. You’re alright.” I said in a soothing voice. They calmed down just a bit.

“Wanna hear some music?” I asked. That prompted a nod. I pulled up my playlist on my phone. I didn’t want to start them with anything to heavy. I decided that a bit of Muse wouldn’t be too bad. Once I started driving, their faces were a mix of fear and excitement. I wouldn’t do anything drastic just yet. I decided that the first place I was going to get food was my guilty pleasure. I pulled up to the drive-thru and got enough food to feed a small army. Perks of the golden arches. They are cheap.

Once we got back to my house, the boys helped me bring everything inside. After we had all eaten, I looked to the princes.

“Alright. I know you have questions. Go for it.” They asked so many questions, some small and some large. I think at this point the shock and having been around me for long enough helped them to just roll with it. After a certain point, I decided that it was time to pull out the booze. It had been a long day for all of us. I pulled out the vodka first. Music was played, laughs were had, and at some point, we all ended up laying in the middle of the floor where we first landed here. I had ditched my pants for some shorts at one point during our drunken escapades. I stumbled around and pulled out some blankets and pillows for us. My carpet wasn’t terrible, especially considering what we had been sleeping on for some time, but still. They were there. Might as well use them. We all curled up in our usual cuddle puddle. 

“Alex?” Kili whispered. I hummed in response.

“Do you think we’re gonna get back?”

“I do. If what I am suspecting is true, we have a week here.” I replied. That seemed to satisfy him, at least for the moment. For the sake of wanting them to sleep I began to run one hand through Kili’s hair again and used the other to trace small circles on Fili’s arm same as I did the other night. I sang them the same lullaby as well. It didn’t take long for them to fall asleep. Soon after, I fell into a deep sleep myself.

I slept rather late into the morning. It had been so long since I had a good rest. The boys had woken up before me but stayed close by. Not that my apartment was exactly large. It was a studio. After scrounging up whatever I had in my kitchen for breakfast, I decided that today would be a lazy day. Today I would introduce Fili and Kili to one of the greatest things the world had ever known. Star Wars. For the most part, the three of us spent the day curled up together. It was amusing to first introduce the TV. They asked many more questions throughout the day. Once night came around, I pulled the booze back out.

“Ok, so you remember the songs I’ve sang for you over the course of the journey?” The boys nodded.

“Well now I’m going to show them to you as they were meant to be heard!” I played the full versions of all the songs I had sang, plus many others. The night was going fabulously until a gunshot came from outside. To preface this, my apartment was not in a good part of town. This wasn’t unusual. However, Fili and Kili had never heard anything like that. They both jumped up, ready to fight.

“Oi. Relax. That isn’t anything you need to worry about.” I said. They looked unconvinced but sat back down.

“What was that?” Kili asked.

“Well, let me start with this. In my world, there are stronger weapons than swords and bows. There are weapons that make Smaug look like a child’s toy. Weapons that can wipe out entire nations in one blow. That was not one of those. That was something called a gun. Guns are capable of serious damage in their own right. They fire a small piece of metal so fast that it cannot be seen by the naked eye. That pop you heard was the sound of one being fired. Now, unless we go out here and start being nosy, there is no reason for anything to happen over here. And before you try to jump to the rescue or whatever it is you are both thinking of doing, it will cause more harm than good and potentially end up with one of us being killed.” I explained.

“Do you know how to use one?” Fili asked.

“Yes.”

“Can you show us?” Kili chimed in.

“No. I’d like to return you to your uncle in one piece. Despite this being a dream for our actual bodies, I’d rather not chance going back with damage.” That seemed to end the topic.

The following days ran about the same. We took this time to relax a bit before going back. Since there was no way to force it, we just did what we could. Hopefully when we got back, the effects would carry over. I showed them as much of my world as I could. I made sure to show them all of the stories and songs I had told them in Middle Earth and lots of the cartoon movies I grew up on. By far, the funniest night was the rollercoaster. Fili and Kili were apprehensive about it at first. Eventually they caved. For the first one, I put them right at the front, with me in the row behind them. Their reaction was pretty choice. The only thing better was the way they looked coming off the cart. Hair sticking up all over the place. Wide terrified eyes. Kili was the one who looked at me and asked to do it again. We got back in line, and I gave Fili very specific instructions to not leave where I left him.

“Ready to do this again?” I asked Kili as the attendants came and tested the restraints. He had a bit of a manic look on his face. He nodded enthusiastically. Once the cart began to go up the ramp, he looked a little bit more afraid. I reached over and grabbed his hand. I looked at him with a smile. The coaster reached the top, and our descent began. He gripped my hand tightly the entire time. I laughed and screamed along with the ride. Coasters were always a favorite of mine. When the ride stopped and we got off, I was relieved to find Fili exactly where I had left him. We went back to my apartment and fell asleep the same way we had been for months.

When we woke up the next day, I knew it would be our last. I had already cleaned all of the clothes that we had arrived in. We just had to make sure we wore them when we went to bed. As much as it hurt to leave home, I knew that I still had a job to do. As they day wound to a close, my mood worsened. At some point I had begun to cry and didn’t even realize it. This may well be the last time I see my world. Kili was the first to see it. He simply walked over and held me in his arms. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. Fili came and did the same. I fell asleep and left my world that night being held by the same two dwarves that found me when I first entered theirs.


	11. Ravens and Writing Desks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist.

When I opened my eyes next, I was back in the forest. If anything, it was gloomier than before I fell in the river. As I began to come back to my senses, I noticed that I was being carried by Bofur.

“Good morning, Bofur.” I whispered, still partially under the influence of the water. My movements were still sluggish. He looked down and a wide smile broke out across his face. I had a feeling it was the first in some time.

“Alex! Yer awake!” This caught the attention of the rest of the company. I took stock of everything going on. Similar to how I was being carried, so were the boys. Thorin had Kili and Dwalin had Fili. Smiles broke out on the company’s faces. Again, pretty sure this was the first in some time for many of them. Thorin called for the company to stop and set up camp. The boys weren’t awake yet, so it was deemed to be better to let them down. They may not wake up as gracefully as I did. Gingerly, I walked over to where they were laying down. Not moving for a week did me no favors. I sat down between them. I really hoped that they would wake up soon.

“Aight. I know y’all have questions. Go for it.” I called out.

“What happened after you fell asleep?”

“Funnily enough, we ended up in my world. We woke up together in my home.” This prompted more questions. I answered them all as best that I could, but some the boys would need to answer. Speaking of, one began to stir. Fili was the first to wake up.

“Glad to see you join us.” I chuckled. He looked mildly confused. It took him a second to remember everything that happened. As he was getting his own round of questions, I looked to the younger brother beside me. The longer it took him to wake up, the more my concern grew. I don’t know exactly how the enchantment worked, so I wasn’t sure if there was some way to get stuck in between. Thankfully, Kili began to wake up.

“Good morning princess.” He was still groggy, so that didn’t quite register. I giggled at that. It was small, but there was a look of relief on Thorin’s face. Despite being asleep for so long, I was exhausted. I dwindled into sleep while Kili was answering his round of questions.

The days began to blur together in the forest. My unease grew with the growing number of spiderwebs. Usually I don’t mind the critters, but these ones were far from benign. It didn’t take long for the spiders to actually catch up to us. The best way I could describe their movements is skittering. Their legs clicked against the ground in a way that made my skin crawl. One of them was currently skittering toward me. Knowing what needed to happen, I didn’t move.

“Alex!” Kili shouted toward me, currently fighting off a spider.

“Oh, this is going to fucking suck.” I said. I was quickly covered in web and carried away. I awoke sometime later as I was dropped to the ground. I opened my eyes to see Fili cutting me out of web.

“Alex, are you alright?” He asked, giving me a hand up. I nodded.

“I’m good. Ok, this is going to sound odd, but I need you to lend me one of your smallest knives.”

“Wha..” he started. I held up a hand to stop him.

“Don’t ask questions. My otherworldly wisdom will make sense later.” He nodded and handed me a knife. It was small enough that I could hide it at the top of my inner thigh. Grabbing my daggers, I began to cut down spiders alongside the dwarves. Truth be told, it was kinda fun. Soon enough, elves began to descend from the trees. I was grabbed and thrown behind the dwarves. The elves began to search us. My daggers and staff were taken, but when the elf looked like he may have been handsy, I smacked his hands away. Fili’s knife wasn’t found. Perfect.

The company was led into the palace and down to the dungeons. Thorin was separated and taken to the throne room. All according to plan there. Might as well have some fun. Tauriel was leading me and Kili.

“Hot damn girl, you are gorgeous!” Tauriel turned to me, a look of slight disbelief on her face. I merely grinned and wiggled my eyebrows.

“Yes, I’m talking about you beautiful. What is your secret?” I continued. She rolled her eyes and shoved me into a cell. Kili was shoved in after me since there were no more empty ones. He looked to her and decided to be cheeky himself.

“Aren’t you going to search me? I could have anything down my trousers.” Kili said.

“Or nothing.” Tauriel responded, slamming the cell door in his face. I couldn’t hold my laughter in. I fell over, wheezing. He turned and looked to me.

“What was that, Alex? Why did you say those things to the she-elf?” Kili questioned, standing in front of me. I gave him a sly smile.

“Awww, are we jealous, Kili?” he flushed at the comment and was quick to deny it.

“Relax dude. Did you notice how they kept finding knives on Fili right up to the last moment?” he nodded.

“Well, they missed one. Might be able to use it to pick the lock.” I tapped the knife on the inside of my pants. His eyes widened and he laughed.

“I decided to have some fun and create a distraction at the same time. She would have an easier time searching me due to the stuffy propriety that is a thing here. Your tidbit at the end certainly helped.” He flushed a bit at that one. I pulled the knife out of my pants and handed it to Kili.

“Don’t lose that. I have a feeling that I’m going to be meeting King Thrandypants here soon, so I don’t want to have it with me. It would only complicate things.” I said. Kili nodded and hid the weapon in his own clothes.

“In the meantime, I’m going to teach you a song.” I grinned.

True to what I was suspecting, I did get summoned to the throne room. Thorin was still in there. He looked positively delighted. Thranduil just looked smug. Time for more fun.

“What is she doing here?” Thorin asked. Thranduil smiled. It was a cold smile; one I wasn’t fond of.

“I was going to ask her the same question. Tell me girl, what brings a human woman to travel with a company of male dwarves?” He asked. Ah, another one that saw me as a weak link. I looked up at the elf king.

“You wanna know something? It is absolutely unfair how immaculate your eyebrows are. Seriously, complements to whoever maintains them.” Thorin’s eyes snapped to me, an incredulous look on his face. I grinned. I was just getting started. Thranduil however, looked less than impressed.

“What do you use in your hair? There is no way that you have some Maybelline thing going on. That has to take work.”

“Answer my question girl. What is your purpose here?” He asked again.

“Is it something in the water? Because let me tell you, that river was wild. Saw weirder shit than that one time I did shrooms.” I saw the twitch that betrayed the crack in his composure.

“That is not an answer. Why are you here?” Thranduil asked again.

“To calculate the difference in air speed velocity of unladen African and European swallows versus ones carrying coconuts.” I said without missing a beat. He paused, but not for very long. He came over and gripped my arms. Thorin was shouting for him to release me. Thranduil ignored him. As did I.

“I’ll ask one more time, girl. What is your purpose?” He was inches from my face when he asked this time. My grin never left my face.

“To find the Holy Grail.” I felt a sharp pain on my cheek as my head snapped to the side. I tasted blood. The asshat slapped me. I turned back to him with a frown.

“Well that wasn’t very nice.” I said. His grip on my arms tightened. Was definitely going to have some bruising. My cheek would have a pretty big one too.

“Answer me!” He said again. Oh boy. He was pissed. He was pretty good at not showing it in his expression, but I saw it. Rather than saying anything, I preferred to let him stew. He smacked the other cheek this time. At least I’d match. I grinned again.

“Would you like to know my purpose?” I asked. My expression and general vibe were becoming very manic very fast. He looked at me expectantly.

“Say please.” This seemed to enrage him further. He threw me at the ground at Thorin’s feet. I laid on my back and just began to cackle. Looking up, I saw that Thorin had an exasperated look on his face. He’s put up with enough of my shit to know what I’m doing. Stalling for time and unsettling an elf. My grin widened. I must have looked completely mad. All the best people are.

“Tell me, why do you let such nasty creatures that close to your kingdom? What happens when they get too close?” I hadn’t moved from the floor just yet, so I didn’t get to see his expression at my question. I didn’t have to guess for very long. I was dragged across the floor by my ankle and hauled to my feet by the front of my shirt. Even though he had thousands of years of practice schooling his expression, the rage was present in his eyes. Time to get serious.

“That’s a pretty mask you wear.” I had dropped my grin to just a simple smile. His eyes widened. In his surprise, he released my shirt. I stayed in place. There was a flash of light, and then a burst of pain. The flash of light had been a blade, and the pain came from a long, shallow cut along my jawline. Just deep enough to hurt and bleed. A warning.

“Now that really wasn’t nice.” I said with a pout. Moving my jaw hurt like a bitch, but I pushed through it. At least that blade was clean. Warmth spread as blood began to flow down my shirt. Thorin was throwing an absolute fit behind me.

“Will you answer my question now, girl?” Thranduil seethed.

“Only if you answer mine.” He slightly raised one eyebrow.

“How is a raven like a writing desk?” Another flash of light and burst of pain, this time on the other side.

“I always was a fan of symmetry.”

Thranduil, having realized that questioning me would go exactly nowhere, ordered for me to be taken back to my cell. The door was opened, and I was thrown on to Kili. We fell to the floor.

“Are you alright?” He asked. I chuckled.

“Oh, I’m just peachy. Let me tell you, he did not like my answers.” I hissed as Kili brushed the bruises on my cheeks. His expression darkened. His eyes widened when he felt the blood. I reached up and took his hand in my own.

“It was completely worth it, and we can talk about it later. Now, did you teach the others the song?” An impish grin appeared on his face. I took that as a yes. I walked over to the bars.

“Oi! Boys! Got the song that Kili taught you down?” I heard several dwarves answer.

“Good! Let’s begin!” There was something to be said about 11 dwarves chanting the beginning to Hooked on a Feeling. Kili and I began on the lyrics.

_I can't stop this feeling_ _  
Deep inside of me  
Girl, you just don't realize  
What you do to me_

I looked to Kili during this. I was not trying to be subtle here. It took a second, but it clicked that I was singing this to him. He returned the sentiment with vigor.

_When you hold me_ _  
In your arms so tight  
You let me know  
Everything's all right_

_I’m hooked on a feeling!_

We sang the rest of the song and laughed profusely at the annoyed faces of the elves. The good thing about the Woodland Realm dungeons is how echoey they were. Thorin had been returned to his cell in the middle of our song. I called out to him once the song was done.

“Thorin!” He looked out from the bars of his cell.

“Have we been entertaining, your majesty?” I called out. Thorin let out a hearty laugh.

“Someone make sure to teach him so he can join in next time!” I called out. It was only once I was away from the bars that I let my true feeling show. I hurt. A lot. Thranduil wasn’t exactly gentle, and neither were the guards who returned me to my cell. Kili pulled me onto his lap and began to assess my injuries. He paid careful attention to my face, noting the bruises and cuts. Singing aggravated the cuts on my jaw and caused them to bleed again. He noticed me tense up when he brushed over my arms. He rolled up my sleeves and saw the deep purple bruising from where the king gripped my arms.

“I’ll kill him.” Without realizing it, Kili’s grip tightened on my arms, right over the bruises. I cried out in pain. He dropped his grip and pulled me closer to his chest. I allowed myself to relax against him.

“You should have seen his face at some of my answers. He kept asking my purpose, and I kept saying random shit about sparrows and coconuts or asking about his hair.” I chuckled. I felt Kili give a small laugh.

“He looked constipated. If you ever see him, just remember this and imagine that.” Kili laughed louder this time.

“What are ya laughing about over there, lad?” I hear Bofur call out.

“I made an elf king look constipated.” I replied. Laughter echoed throughout the entire dungeon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:   
> Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede, Bjorn Skifs


	12. Dungeons Without Dragons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shiningheart_of_ThunderClan gave me some wild ideas for this. I also have no idea how to tag people.

The weeks spent in the dungeon weren’t the greatest, but they weren’t the worst either. I filled the silence at times with songs from Steven Universe. Just the right amount of feels and goofy. At one point I had Kili call out in Khuzdul for the other dwarves to cover their ears before I used my delightful soprano voice to belt out the most annoying and high-pitched song I could think of. Someday My Prince Will Come from Snow White. I bumped up the octave whenever I could just to be mean. I knew this was grating on sensitive elf ears. The echo of the dungeon made it sound just right. Plus, if Bilbo couldn’t find us before, he sure could now.

Using that, it didn’t take Bilbo long to pay us a visit. Kili and I were lounging around our cell since there was literally nothing else to do. Tauriel hadn’t been by in a bit, so no buddy talks. It startled both me and Kili when Bilbo took off the ring. I grinned.

“What’s up Bilbo? Enjoying the Woodland Realm?” I asked. He looked mildly horrified.

“Alex! What happened to you?” Ah. Yeah. Forgot about my grisly appearance. I giggled.

“I take great pleasure in annoying the elf king. Sadly, it leads to this just about every time.” I laughed. Bilbo looked even more horrified.

“Enough of that. You figured out how to get us out of here yet?” I asked. He looked sad.

“Not yet. Everything in here is so confusing! I also haven’t found Thorin yet.” Bilbo explained. Kili’s face dropped at the mention of his uncle. They had moved him after our last meeting with the king.

“Ok. I believe I have a solution to just about all of this. Bilbo. Next time Thrandypants drags me to the throne room, follow me. Thorin is almost always there. If you aren’t nearby when they get me, listen for my signal. Trust me when I say you’ll know it. Hang out nearby so when they drag Thorin back to wherever he is, you can follow. I’ll keep the signal going so you can find your way back to us. I need you to do a bit of subterfuge as well. Locate where they have our stuff stashed. The next part of this mess will be a lot easier with our stuff. Once you report back with that information, I’ll tell you what I’ve come up with. Kili. I’m gonna need you to give instruction to the others every so often. Also, warn them about my signal. They’re gonna want to rip their hair out, but it serves a purpose. Everyone got it?” Both boys nodded.

“Good. Bilbo, you know what to do.” Bilbo put the ring back on and left.

The guards came for me the next day again. Bilbo hadn’t been back since I gave him instruction, so time to call out the signal. I pulled up the most annoying song from the depths of my childhood. I cleared my throat and began to sing loud.

_This is the song that never ends!_

_Yes it goes on and on my friends!_

_Some people started singing it,_

_Not knowing what it was._

_But people kept singing it just because_

_This is the song that never ends!_

The elves were trying hard to maintain their straight faces. I continued to sing as I entered the throne room. Thorin was there, meaning my plan could proceed. I stopped singing but maintained my smile. Thranduil looked less than impressed. It was wonderful.

“Are you going to answer my questions today?” Thranduil asked. I just continued to grin. I turned my face to a false pensive.

“See, I’ve been contemplating recently. I’ll give you your answer.” He leaned forward on his extra as hell throne.

“’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!”” His expression hadn’t changed, so I continued.

“He took his vorpal sword in hand;

Long time the manxome foe he sought—

So rested he by the Tumtum tree

And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.” He maintained an impassive look, but I had learned how to spot his true feeling in his eyes. He wasn’t happy. In the interest of getting my plan started, I said nothing.

“That wasn’t an answer.” He said. I still said nothing. It took a bit, but I was taken back to my cell. Kili was waiting expectantly. Once the guard left, I filled him in.

“Alright. I sent out the signal. I don’t know if Bilbo made it, but all we can do is continue my plan. Did you fill the others in on what we’re doing?” Kili nodded.

“Good. Tell them I apologize for what I’m about to do and I love them dearly.” He looked confused but nodded and did it anyway. I proceeded to sing the song that never ends over and over again until my voice was about to give out.

Tauriel came to visit us again after I stopped singing. I greeted her with a giant smile. She simply shook her head.

“You shouldn’t antagonize the king like that.” She said. I shrugged my shoulders. The three of us talked for the next few hours as friends, forgetting for a bit that we were her prisoners. I had a suspicion that if it were up to her, we’d have been released a while ago. Sadly, it wasn’t up to her. I was glad to count her as a friend though. She mentioned the starlight party that I had been waiting for. I felt bad for essentially using her like this, but it had to be done.

It wasn’t long after she left that Bilbo came back to the cell. I filled him in on the feast that was happening the next night. He told me that he had found our belongings. I told him about the barrels and what he needed to do. He nodded and the plan began.

The next day Tauriel came to bring me to the throne room. Thorin was in there again. He looked significantly worse for wear. Not good. I caught his eye and noticed that he was pissed. Good. Means he’s still up for a fight. Now to figure out what King Eyebrows wants. He didn’t look happy either. I mean, last time I saw him I was a giant pain in the ass.

“I hear you’ve been making things difficult for my guards in the dungeon.” Thranduil said, approaching me. I raised my eyebrows in feigned shock.

“Well I never! I was only singing them the songs of my people!” I said, placing one hand on my chest. He raised an eyebrow at that one.

“And what exactly, are your people?” He asked. Crap. Time to be vague.

“Stardust and shadows.” I replied. I mean, I’m not wrong. We are all made of stardust.

“That is not what I asked.” He replied. I grinned.

“On the contrary! You asked what my people are. We are made of stardust and shadows.” I responded. His eyebrow twitched.

“Who are your people.”

“Buccaneers, privateers, and scallywags.” I responded, with a bigger grin. I was probably going to get my ass beat for this. It was just too fun.

“Again, that is not what I asked.” Thranduil responded.

“On the contrary once more! That is what my people are. There are others but they are their own.” Again, with the brow twitch. I could see it in his eyes that I was getting under his skin.

“Where are you from?” He asked. An impish grin appeared on my face.

“Now you’re asking the right questions.”

“Well?” Thranduil asked when I went silent.

“I said you were asking the right questions. Never said I would answer them.” I said with a shrug.

In retrospect, I probably should not aggravate the elf king as much as I have been. I don’t remember being brought back to my cell. From what I understand, I was dragged by my arms unconscious down the hall and literally thrown in the cell. Due to my ‘insolence’ I got my ass handed to me. Expected that. I awoke to being held while the person was running. Kili was carrying me. Means that everything went according to plan. I put my arms around Kili’s neck to make it more stable. He looked down and smiled. It was tight and full of concern. We made it to the cellar and the dwarves began to protest. Kili put me down and I snagged a bottle of wine from the table with the drunk elf and chugged it. Dull the pain since wow was I in it.

“Oi. We ain’t got all day. Get in the damn barrels. You too, Bilbo. I can swim. You can’t.” I called out. The dwarves paused for a second before following my order. I ignored the protests of me being the one to stay out and grabbed another bottle of wine instead. I heard elves running down the halls. Everyone was in, so I went to the lever. The elves arrived just in time for me to pull the level and disappear with a smile while holding up the bottle.


End file.
